Category Archives: Relationships

These Weeds Have Grown Where the Sun Once Shown.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

We’re currently living through one of the most important, most trying, and possibly the strangest time of (many of) our lives. The COVID-19 pandemic is literally impacting every single one of us in one way or another. I doubt that I’ll have anything really profound to say, but I’m going to write a bit about it anyway, to the best of my ability.

I honestly don’t know where to start. I’ve never seen anything like this and I hope to never see anything like again. I’ve never seen the majority of the world shut down like this, not even after September 11, 2001.

I’m not going to use this post to discuss any specific political views. I could easily go down that route, but I don’t want to do that just now. This is about where we are and we’re going from here.

The entire planet Earth is impacted by COVID-19. It isn’t just the United States. It’s not just China. It’s not just Italy. It’s the entire planet. We need to realize that and we all need to do our part to slow down the spread of this disease and eventually wipe it out. We, as human beings, not as Americans, or Chinese, or Italians, or Iranians, or Russians, or Spaniards, as human beings, need to come together to fix this. Yes, that we means we may have to isolate our selves from friends, family, and loved ones for a while. But, it’s for the greater good. I saw something online today that “You’re not trapped at home, you’re SAFE at home.” That’s very true.

As far as I know, I’m healthy. At the time that I’m writing this, I do not have COVID-19. At least, I don’t believe I do. I say that it way because it can sometimes linger for a few weeks before showing symptoms. However, if I did have it and I go out and have any type of contact with you, then you may have it. You may pass it on to your friends, you may pass it on to your children, you may pass it on to your parents, you may pass it on to an elderly person that may not survive. This needs to be taken seriously.

As businesses have been forced to shut down and people are being laid off from their job as a result of this, I feel for them. I’m considered an “essential” employee. I work for my town. And as tremendously grateful and appreciative as I am for my employment situation, I almost feel that calling what I do as “essential” is an insult to truly “essential” works such as first responders of any kind, anyone working in healthcare (nurses, doctors, etc), and even grocery employees. I work in an office. Yes, I’m helping to move along processes of every day life for people, but what I do isn’t nearly as important. I don’t feel I’m putting myself down by saying that, I just feel that I’m looking at it through a level of self-awareness and perspective.

There was a brief period of almost a full week when my office was closed due to a health concern for a co-worker. When I first realized that I was not going to be working for a few days, I thought about all of the things that I was going to do. I did almost none of them. I had no plan for those days. I had no structure. I had no routines. I’ve previously discussed how I’ve been called a “Creature of Habit” by some people. And they’re basically true. I do a lot of specific things on specific days. I’m now working half days, but that may soon change to working as much from home as possible, as we’re starting to get set up for that.

Even if I start working more from my house. I still need a plan. I need to map out what my days are going to look like. I had told some friends that I may dedicate an hour or two per day to listening to podcasts. I may spend up to an hour reading a book every day. I will definitely be doing at least one DDP Yoga workout per day. If the weather permits, I’ll go for a walk or a run. I don’t have access to gyms at the moment, so I need to figure out things to do for exercise.

The one thing I know that I can’t do is NOTHING. I’ve discussed nothing before. Feel free to go back and read about nothing if you want. My mental health has remained pretty good during the last few weeks. Yes, I’m experiencing various forms of anxiety, but it hasn’t become too much. I have not had any depressive episodes during this time. As I just said, I’m mostly mentally healthy. My concern is not about me, it’s really about the people that I care about. It’s also about what things are going to look like when this is over.

I truly hope that America, as a whole, realizes from this situation that the systems that we’ve had in place are not good. A health scare like this can financially ruin a person, family, and business. We need to look at ways to go about fixing the system to truly ensure that everybody has the right to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. As someone that has OFTEN worried about whether or not I could afford to put enough gas in my car to get to work the next day, I know what it’s like to worry about money. I’m beyond grateful that I’m not in that bind now. But, I easily could be again.

I have a few friends that are currently out of work due to this. They’re hairdressers, bartenders, waitresses, and book store employees. I’m more worried about them than I am about myself. I have a job. I’m being paid. They’re not being paid. And it’s possible that their jobs won’t be there when this is over. That is horrible. It’s frightening. These friends, out of no fault of their own, and out of no fault of their employers, may not have jobs to return to. I think that is definitely a sign that the system is broken.

I’ve joked that as someone with social anxieties and other various mental issues, the concept of “Social Distancing” isn’t difficult for me. But, it’s one thing to want to be isolated for a while, it’s another thing to truly need to be. There is nothing more that I would like to do than to go to a local bar with a friend for a beer (or two… let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be just two). But, that isn’t an option. Even if any local bars were still open, it’s not safe to go to them. And yes, I do know that there’s irony there since just recently I wrote about a time when I did go to a crowded bar and I absolutely wanted to be left alone.

Allow me to break the 4th wall for a moment and reveal a little secret about my blog entries. The titles of them are almost always taken from song titles or lyrics. I do that because the songs they’re taken from are related to what I’m writing about. I also do it because I’ve noticed that I get a few more hits on my blog sometimes when people search for those songs or lyrics. The song I used for this entry is “Weeds” from Life of Agony. The reason I chose that song specifically is because of the line that I used for this title and because of the very first line of the song. I won’t put that line here, I’ll ask that you look it up. At some point in the near future, I may have another entry that discusses why that particular line means so damn much to me. That entry may be in a few months. Yes, I’m trying to create more interest in my blog by saying that.

I could probably ramble on and on a lot more in this entry, but I know that if I do, you’ll probably stop reading, if you haven’t already. Really, all I can say is that I hope you’re all safe, happy, and healthy. I hope you remain that way. I hope that we’re all taken care of in whatever ways we need to be during and after this crisis. And when this is over, hopefully we’ll be able to get that beer together.

Constant Noise Behind the Overcoming.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

The feeling of malaise that I described in my last entry is still prominent, but it seems to come and go. There was another potentially big setback in recent weeks, but it didn’t drag me down as much as it could have. Of course, I did joke with people that I had hoped for a major depressive episode because it would help my efforts to lose weight. (Un)fortunately, I didn’t have that major episode.

I want to point out something from the previous paragraph. I said that I joked with people about my issues. The joking part isn’t my focus, it’s just the people part. I recently had a conversation with someone that suffers from major depression. He does not treat it. He actually barely acknowledges that it exists. He is barely active. He does nothing that can stimulate his mood or emotions. He’s stuck where he is. He will not admit to fault in any situation and believes that everything will just fix itself. Yet, it never has.

During that conversation, I mentioned about all that I do with my friends. All of the concerts, sporting events, and other things that I do. But while I was talking about it, it really started to hit me that what I was doing was significantly more than just going out with friends. It really was helping my mental health.

Last month I mentioned that when my downward spiral began, I was at a bar with friends. I also mentioned that if I hadn’t already committed to being there, I probably wouldn’t have gone. If I had stayed at my house that night, I would have probably watched TV and gone to sleep. I would have probably had very little communication with anyone. I would have just sat there with the TV and with my thoughts. And while I would have wanted to do nothing but sleep, my thoughts would probably have kept me up all night.

Recently, I’ve been posting some things on social media sites that may have had a slightly darker tone than I usually post. And, they were being posted a bit more frequently than I would usually post things like that. A few people reached out to me to make sure that I was okay. Something as simple as that should NOT be taken for granted. I try my best not do take it for granted. It’s amazing how much a simple text message can make a difference.

I went to a baseball game with a friend last year. He bought the tickets and met me at the stadium. He never asked me to pay him before the game. When the game was over, I asked him what I owed him. He said “nothing. I just enjoy the company.” That should NOT be taken for granted.

I don’t post things on social media to draw attention to me. I’ve never liked being the center of attention. Although, maybe that’s because I’ve felt so ignored and insignificant for so much of my life. Before I go way too deep into this potential exit ramp, let me say that I’ll probably revisit this topic later…

ANYWAY, as I was saying, I don’t post things about mental health on social media to draw attention to myself. I do it to draw attention to mental health issues. Sure, the topics I’m posting about are things that I’m probably dealing with, but it’s not about me…

Or is it?

Now, I’m questioning that a bit.

When people greet me and ask me how I’m doing, I usually answer with “good,” “fine,” or “okay.” Most of the time, most people will answer that question that way. It’s more of a Pavlovian response than an honest one. While we’re all conditioned to answer that question that way, many people are conditioned to not know how to reply if we really told them how we’re doing. If I replied with “I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip,” I don’t think people would react quite the same. Even if that was the honest answer.

Or, it’s also possible they would completely understand that reference and really worry about things.

I’ve noticed that this entry is becoming one of my rambling ones that isn’t necessarily tying one single topic together. But whatever, that’s where I am right now. I’m doing well, but I’m not. I’m doing better than ever, but I’m not. I’m where I’ve always been, but I’m not where I was.

I don’t even know what the point of this entry was supposed to be anymore. I’ve done in so many different directions, but that’s how my mind works sometimes. I think the point was that by going out and doing things with friends, I’m actually improving my mental health. I think part of the point was also that I have friends that care and do good things for me. I know this particular topic will come up again.

My friendships and improving my mental health by doing things are topics that I want to go into more detail about at some point, and maybe that will be soon. I have ideas for future entries that I hope to write. And maybe some of the things that I’ve written here can be incorporated into those. But, I have no idea what my mood will be when I start writing my next entry. I hope it’s good and I can just go with one of those ideas, but we’ll see how things play out.

Hold On, Face to Face. Damaged by the Sad Disgrace. But, All I Need is a Simple Reminder.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I spent much of 2019 stating that I hadn’t had a major depressive issue in a while. We’re a few weeks in 2020, and while I still haven’t had one, I feel like I could be on the verge of one.

Last week, I discovered a slight financial issue that won’t necessarily majorly impact me, but it will set my plans for the year back a little bit. That isn’t really a big deal, but sometimes something as simple as that can be the incident that triggers an episode. Especially, when things just haven’t been great. And, they haven’t been.

I want to make it very clear to any person reading this that I’m not in any danger. I’m not near rock bottom. I’m not even near a figurative cliff, but I am in a slight slope on my own emotional roller coaster.

A few days ago was when I was probably feeling the lowest that I’ve felt in a very long time. I went out that night to see my friends’ band. They were playing at a local bar. For a good portion of the night, I sat by myself, and that was my own choice. I wasn’t being shunned by anyone. In fact, I had a good amount of friends there. And as a side note, considering how busy that bar was, sitting by myself could actually be considered an accomplishment, but I digress. One particular person there actually insisted that I join a group he was sitting with. I did that, sort of. I still sat off to the side, pretty much by myself. Again, it was my choice. It’s just where I was, because that’s where I needed to be.

While I was at the bar, I genuinely did have a good time. I talked to many of my friends. I had a few drinks. I enjoyed the music. But, it didn’t change my overall mood. And unless I had told you that I was not doing well mentally, you wouldn’t have known it. Apparently, I’m pretty good at going through the motions. And, sometimes going through the motions is good.

If I didn’t have those plans, there’s an excellent chance that I would have stayed at my house that night. I may have watched TV. But, depending on my how great my attention span was, it may have just been short YouTube videos. Is staying at my house by myself a better or worse choice than going out when I know that not much will change for me? I guess that’s a matter of your perspective.

One thing that I know very clearly about Mental Health issues is that my issues are MY issues. They’re not your issues. While you and I may be experiencing similar things, how they impact us is not the same. And how we deal with them isn’t the same either. The funk I’m in now is something that I need to go through. I don’t mean that in a “I need to suffer” way, although, I have felt that many times before. I just think that I need to go through this to let it run its course, just like I would with a common cold. There’s not much anyone can do for a cold, except let it happen.

It’s very possible that people reading this may not agree with what I said about me needing to just go through this, and I understand that. I am struggling with some things, but I am attempting to force myself to remain active and get through my days. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I get through what I need to get through.

Very recently, a friend of mine reached out because she was really not in a good place. She said that was down on her luck and near her breaking point. I offered some supportive words and let her know that I was glad that she reached out. Her luck changed very shortly after that and things definitely turned around. Not long after that, she I went out for dinner and some drinks. I know she needed it, but I did too. I don’t do good things for other people to know that I do them. I do them because it’s the right thing to do. I felt good after that.

I have other people that are very important to me that are going through difficult times. They all deal with them differently. I cannot force them to be social. I cannot force them to reach out. I cannot force them to break out of their slumps. But, I can (and will) remind that I’m available for them. And, I do.

There are days when it’s more difficult to get out of bed and go through the motions than others. I’ve had a few difficult days with that recently. My alarms go off every morning and I hit the snooze buttons multiple times. But, eventually I do get out of bed and I’ll go to work (always on time). I’ll do what I have to do at work and then do whatever else that I have to do during the day. Whatever things I’m obligated to do, I get them done. I’m highly functional like that.

At some point, possibly in the near future, this minor episode will pass. I’ll be in a better mood. Or maybe it won’t. Maybe it’ll linger for a while. Maybe it’ll even get worse. I really don’t know how much personal control that I have over that. I just have to keep doing whatever it is that I need to keep doing. And some of what I need to keep doing is just getting through each day, waiting for something to change. It could be something really good, it could be something simple. It could just be a simple reminder.

Remember What’s Past Ways and What I’ve Become.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

As 2019 is coming to an end, it’s time for me take a look back at the past year and ask myself the same question that I ask at the end of every year. “Am I better off than I was one year ago?” That’s not always an easy question for me to answer. There’s so many things that I factor in when thinking about that question. Last year, it was a simple “yes” for me. At the end of 2019, it’s even easier for me to say “yes.”

With the exception of a time in late January when I had to deal with the worst, longest lasting, most difficult back spasm that I’ve ever had, I had a really good 2019.

I stated last year (and a few times throughout the year) that my current job is good for me. I’m paid better than I’ve been before, my commute is basically non-existent, and I have good medical coverage. As a result of those factors, there’s not been a single time in 2019 that I was particularly worried about my bank account. There were times that my account was “lower than I wanted it to be.” But, in previous years, keeping it above $0 was my goal. The stress relief there cannot be properly put into words.

For a few reasons, I can say that my social life was better in 2019 than it had been for a very long time as well. First and foremost, I had no major problems in this category. I gained friends, strengthened friendships, and really enjoyed myself throughout the year. Not having to worry about if I can afford to go somewhere makes a big difference.

While I was hoping to participate in more 5k races than I did, I have no regrets about why I did not. I was able to compete in 5 races. And honestly, they were not my best finishes. In fact, one of them was truly my slowest to date. In that case, I was just done with a sinus/respiratory issue that slowed my down. I’m not making any excuses. I did the best that I could on those particular days. My best wasn’t as good as my best during other races. That’s all that means. No complaints whatsoever.

As I said, I didn’t do as many races I was would have liked to have done. One reason was that I had classes to take happened to coincide with the time some of the races were happening. Those courses were in Mental Health First Aid. After the completion of those courses, I am now certified in Mental Health First Aid. I won’t go into details about that here, other than to say that I’m very proud of it. I may write an entry somewhat soon about stuff related to this course and what I’ve done for others in the area of Mental Health Awareness.

Overall, my mental health was pretty damn good in 2019. There’s just hours to go in the year, which means there’s still plenty of time for this to change, but I went through all of 2019 without any major depressive episodes. I cannot remember the last time I was able to say that in any given year. Yeah, I had some days where I was a little down. Things bothered me throughout the year, but nothing was prolonged and nothing was serious. Not everything that I hoped would happen would happen, but nothing bad happened. I feel like this is a major accomplishment for me.

I went to a decent amount of concerts in 2019. Me going to shows is not a new thing, by any means. But, going to these shows without financial worries is new for me. I didn’t have to make deals with friends like I had in the past. I went to shows that I wanted to go to. I could afford them. I even traveled out of state a few times. I visited friends at their houses that I used to say I couldn’t afford to go to. In each of the last 4 months of the year, I spent a few nights in hotel rooms for events that I attended. I paid for those rooms. I could afford them. It’s a good feeling.

Just like in previous years, I failed to hit my goal of reading 12 books during the year. I also never came close to doing the Black Crow pose during my DDP Yoga sessions. Maybe that pose isn’t meant to be for me. I’m not upset about missing either of those goals. Too many good things happened during the year for me to be upset about them.

My New Year’s Resolution is always the same. It’s “I want to make it better.” I did that in 2019. I hope to keep that going in 2020. I’m very much aware that just because 2019 was good for/to me doesn’t mean that there aren’t changes that I have to make. I recently discussed that I’m not happy with my weight. I already have a plan in place to attempt to work on that. If I hit my goals there, I could possibly have better 5k results in 2020.

One of the biggest problems that I faced in 2019, as far as this blog goes, was that I was not really depressed and that made it difficult for me to have topics to write about. What a problem to have!

I hope that when I sit down to write next year’s version of this entry that I either have that same problem or that I come up with some stories to tell about my experiences. I’m going to take 2020 day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. If the year is half as good to me as 2019 was, I think I’ll be fine.

The Road to Happiness I Never Knew.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

As I’ve said in recent entries, things have been going well for me. And as I’ve also said in some recent entries, that worries me.

Just a few weeks ago, I told someone that I had not had any major depression episodes in 2019. Instead of looking at that as an accomplishment, I actually see it as something being wrong. Yeah, I know that’s not a good thing.

I’m in a weird emotional place right now. I’ve in a much better social, mental, economical, and (possibly) emotional place than I’ve been in years. I’m happy with my finances. I’m happy with my job. I’m happy with my friends. I’m just not happy with myself.

So, what’s causing my unhappiness? Is it the (somewhat simple) fact that I’ve gained some weight over the past few months? I know the cause of the weight gain and (in theory) it’s simple to reverse. Is it more than my weight? Is it deeper? What’s the problem?

Of course, I know that none of my problems are necessarily simple problems. Or are they? Yeah, this is what keeps me up at night. Seriously. It does. I have trouble shutting my brain off at night and I keep thinking, and thinking, and over-thinking my issues. That causes me anxiety, fatigue, and an overall reluctance to do anything.

If my current weight is such an issue, I should just eat healthier, workout more, and take better care of myself, right? The thing is that I’m aware of all of that, but there’s a mental block that’s preventing me from going in that direction. I could easily do a workout each and every morning before I leave for work, except that I can’t. And THAT is causing me more stress.

The only stretching that I’ve consistently done in recent months is stretching the time that I get to lay in my bed and hit the snooze button on the various alarms that are needed to wake me from the sleep that I’ve barely had.

It’s possible that this entry will be the catalyst that I need to change my course and start re-focusing on my fitness. However, if I start to do it out of routine and not out of joy, will it seem like too much of a chore for me? Do you see why things are sometimes difficult for me? My mind goes all over the place very easily.

When I started this entry, I didn’t know that I was going to focus so much on my lack of physical activity. I knew that I was going to focus on my lack of self-happiness. But, as I’m writing this (over the course of a few days), I’ve realized that there’s a few things that make me unhappy about myself. And of those things, there’s a few that I don’t necessarily have total control over. And there’s also some that I have no control over (yet). So maybe, I should focus on what I do have control over and do my best to fix that. If my current weight is THE issue that I can fix, then that’s what I should work on.

My brain is sort of like a highway with many exits. There’s cloverleaf exits, jughandles, u-turns, and dead ends. Sometimes the problem with me accomplishing something is that my brain takes the wrong exit or just keeps going in a self-destructive way that stops me from getting to where I need to be. It’s not as simple as just taking the right exit. It’s a long road and the time I spend on that road varies often. But, maybe if I can get my brain to take a detour, I’ll somehow end up on the right road and get there. Of course, I’m not even sure where that destination is. And if I start to worry about that right now, we’ll be here for a LONG time.

It is Time For Deeds to Take the Shape of Vows and Codes of Promise.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I recently heard someone talk about Mental Illness as an “Invisible Illness.” A light went off in my head when I heard that. I thought it was a brilliant description. It’s so accurate. Society does not feel the same way about Mental Illnesses as they feel about other illnesses that they can see. Society doesn’t believe that Mental Illness should be treated as seriously as a physical injury. How many times has someone that is dealing with some kind of depression been told “get over it?” I had a really bad back spasm early this year. I could barely stand up or walk. People didn’t tell me to “get over it.” They insisted that I see doctors for it, which I did.

What I described above is a simplistic way of looking at Mental Illness vs. other illnesses. But, it’s accurate. The stigma attached to Mental Illness leads to so many more problems and it needs to go away. No ifs, ands, or buts. It NEEDS TO GO AWAY.

I live with depression. I live with anxiety. I live with Mental Illness. Like any nagging physical ailment (and in my 40s, I have my share of those), they can flare up at any time. Sometimes without any warning or logical reason. I mentioned my back earlier. I see a chiropractor somewhat regularly about that. It’s not something that people question. They know I have back issues and they know why I see a doctor for it. When I was regularly seeing a psychologist a few years ago, some people questioned why I did that.

I question why things are going well in my life. I expect all good things to end. I anticipate disaster. I get very anxious about things I have to do. I feel alone when I’m part of a community. I can be feeling great one minute and be a wreck the next. All of what I just described is an illness. Why do people think differently about that type of illness than they think of a physical bruise, or a cut, or even cancer? Why are mentally ill people shunned?

I’ve noticed throughout my life that a general ignorance towards issues causes people to act out and be afraid of things. I used to be a bit more judgmental about cynical about Mental Health issues than I am today. I’m not proud of that. But, what I am proud of is where I am now. I am very much aware of my own issues. I am aware of the damage done to me. I am aware of the damage that has been done to others. I don’t like feeling the way I’ve felt and I don’t want others to feel that way either.

I have often felt alone and helpless. And as much as I KNOW that I’m not alone nor helpless, those feelings are often around. They linger. They cause me anxiety and depression. I do my best to remind myself that I’m not alone. I do my best to remind myself that I’m not helpless. And I also do my best to remind others that they are not alone or helpless.

I want to do all that I can to help others. These entries are very therapeutic for me. I don’t know what my readers get out of them. I hope, at the very least, they realize what I’ve realized a while ago. There is a community of us out there. We’re not alone in this. We are here for each other.

My last few entries have been a struggle for me. Not because that I’ve been feeling down and out. It’s been the exact opposite. I’ve been doing well for a while and I’ve felt that I’ve had nothing to write about. Recently, I took part in a class that really opened my eyes to a few things and really inspired me. I’ll be touching on that in upcoming entries. I’ll also be discussing more about how certain bands and their songs, and their fans, have helped me (and others). I have specific things that I want to discuss. Hopefully, you’ll want to read about what I have to say.



My Vision Now is Incomplete. I am Affected by the Warmth.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

As I’ve been struggling to find things to write about recently, I’ve also noticed that I usually have a hard time finding something to write about during this time of year. So, this entry should be amazing. (Insert eye roll here).

Not having been had any major depression issues for a while now, I feel like this blog has been suffering. Trust me, I’m glad to have such a problem.

In the past, many of these entries are planned out. A thought, feeling, or mood comes to me and I’ll start writing notes. It could be something like “childhood trauma caused by bullying.” I’ll start writing examples of that happened to me that pop into my mind and I can write an entry from there.

After I have the basic structure for an entry, I’ll start actually writing something. In many cases, the original entry will be rewritten many times. It’s very rare that I’ll just write something and immediately publish it. I have to be very fired up for that to happen.

This entry is an example of one that has no structure, no preconceived concepts, and no real idea of where it’s going. Although, I did think about writing about a high school teacher or two that actually did encourage me and how much of an impact that has on things like this entry. But, I’ll save that for a future entry that is actually thought out and well written.

I do have some concepts for blog entries that I plan on writing in the somewhat near future, but those entries are about specific things that correspond to specific dates and I’m holding off on them for now. There’s one in particular that I know I’m going to have a very difficult time writing. Some people may be able to figure out what that particular topic is. But, regardless of that particular entry, I think I may need to just start thinking about more topics.

It’s actually possible that I may have an idea for my next entry. That basically depends on how something goes for me over the next few weeks. I’ll be learning some new things that could be very good for my blog entries. No, I’m not implying that I’ll be learning things that’ll make me depressed. I’m just saying that something could be interesting and help me. And that it could make for an interesting topic.

There used to be times when I would have two or three months worth of blog entries ready to go at any given time. There were times when I wouldn’t end up publishing some of those because what I was feeling when I originally thought about it may have changed by the time I got around to actually writing the full entry.

I used to think that having a “writer’s block” was a bad thing. But, in this case, maybe it isn’t. I write about my battles with depression. I haven’t had too much to write about for a while. There’s no way to say that’s not good. It may just mean that I have to work harder to have blog entries of substance. And that is something I’m going to work on, because this lack of misery is really killing my creativity.

In the Morning the Battle for Endurance has Been Lost.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

In my last few entries, I’ve discussed how much better things have been for me recently. That is still true, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still problems. As good as things are, I still have strong feelings of emptiness, failure, and overall malaise. Yes, it’s possible to enjoy myself and still feel those things.

It bothers me that I can’t completely enjoy myself, even in the some of the best of times. I KNOW that I have a bigger social circle than I’ve ever had. I have closer connections to people that I used to have, yet there’s still a lack of something. That’s the emptiness that I feel. I don’t know how to fix that.

I am doing better than I’ve probably ever done in my life, yet I still feel failure. I sometimes wonder if this, more than any other aspect of my life, is due to how I was programmed as a child. Praise didn’t come my way as much as criticism did. My accomplishments were often ignored. I’ve often realized that if someone points out something that I did wrong, they’ll focus on that, and not that I fixed whatever thing was wrong.

The malaise that I mentioned is just an overall feeling. I have more free time, yet I feel like I don’t. I have time to get up early in the morning and do things, but I don’t do that. I hit the snooze button again and again until I have no free time in the morning. I don’t know why I have such problems with this.

My issues are not an easy fix. Maybe I would feel somewhat better if I just got out of bed in the morning and did something. Like many things I write about, this may not make sense to many of you, but something as simple as getting out of bed early to do something is very difficult for me. I don’t have an explanation for it. It’s just not easy. It’s not a laziness thing. It’s a mental thing.

The part about having so many friends and feeling empty doesn’t really make sense either. I try not to think about it too much. That’ll just cause anxiety and make me feel worse.

The failure part is a difficult one. As I’ve said, I know I’m doing better, but am I where I should be? Can I get to where that is? But, then again, but what standards are we judging that by? I don’t have those answers. I don’t even know if I want those answers.

Going day by day allows me to not worry about long term things. But, not worry about long term things may be cutting my sights short and not giving me anything to strive for. It’s a conundrum.

Some people may think the problems that I’m describing here are simple fixes. Some people may think they’re not. I know I like when I get things done. It’s just difficult to start doing things. That mental block that is very difficult to get past. Being aware of it is good, yet bad at the same time. The fact that I see this in other people makes me more aware of my own issues and how I KNOW I would feel better if I just did what I thought could improve my situation, but as I said, doing it is sometimes inexplicably difficult for me.

I’ve said before that I was brought up in a world of “can’t” and “don’t.” Meaning I was always told what I can’t do, and often told “don’t do (whatever).” It really has made me almost sure that I can’t and shouldn’t do things. I know that world has to change, but I have to figure out how to change it.

But, as I said just a little while ago. I take everything day by day. And despite what it may seem like in this entry, even with the feelings I’ve described, I’m in a good place right now. I want that to continue. I’m afraid of what how I would feel if I wasn’t where I am now. And maybe that’s exactly why I need to take things day by day.

Between Striking Out and Striking Rich, Just a Risk. One I’ll Take and Take Again…

Posted by MaskedSanity on

What a difference a year makes.

My late June blog entry is always about my upcoming birthday and what that means to me. Last year’s entry was a bit darker than others that I’ve written. And after just reading it again to get a feel of what I was thinking at that time, I noticed that I had I said that I had originally written a darker draft of it. I almost wish I had saved that draft just to see how bad it was.

One year ago I felt that I had nothing going on. I was at a dead end job that I could barely afford to work at. My social life was not what I wanted it to be. My financial situation was horrible. I just wasn’t in a good place.

But, as I wrote in the follow up entry, a lot changed very quickly.

I’m in such a better place than I was last year at this time. I have a much better job than last year. The travel time is significantly less (I can walk there), I’m paid better than I was, and I have affordable health coverage.

My social life is better than it was a year ago at this time, but not exactly where I had hoped it would be. By no means is it bad. I haven’t felt lonely in a very long time. I’ve actually felt like I belong in the situations that I’ve been in. Not feeling like an outcast is a massive improvement.

Over the past year, my circle of friends has grown. I’ve had a few people return, only to disappear again. I’ve met some wonderful new people and I’ve reconnected with a few that I honestly thought I might never talk to again.

I’ve recently had a series of things go wrong, that a year ago, would have been financially crippling for me. But when they happened, I was able to take care of them. Now, instead of those things causing me to worry about if I’m going to be able to afford food or if I can afford the gas for my car just to get me to work, I’m just upset that my bank account is lower than I want it to be. I cannot stress enough how much better that makes me feel.
Money may not solve all of life’s problems, but having more of it than you did before certainly does alleviate some burdens.

This entry, like a few that I’ve written recently is difficult for me. Not because I have a hard time discussing my issues, but because I’m not in a bad place right now. Misery is so much easier to be creative about.

I don’t want to say that I’m “happy,” but I’m definitely not “not happy.” I’m not sad, nor am I complacent. I know that I’m in a better position in life than I’ve been in a long time, if not ever. But, I’m also VERY much aware of how bad things have been for me. I don’t want to ever to forget how bad things were. I NEED that perspective.

There’s still a lot that I can improve about my life. There’s a lot that I can change and a lot that I can’t. Unfortunately, the stuff that I can’t change actually does frustrate me quite a bit. I keep hoping for different outcomes there, but I don’t know if I’ll ever see one. Yes, I’m aware of the definition of insanity. I know it well.

The things that I can change are sometimes difficult for me to achieve. My depression and my programming is hard to overcome at times. I get more stressed about things I haven’t done than needing to do them. I don’t know if that makes sense. Part of the problem is how regimented my days have become. Doing extra things seems like a break from a pattern. I know things need to get done, but if they’re done at certain times, they’re interfering with other things. I think this particular topic should be saved for another entry and I should try to go into detail on it.

Last year I said “I do know that I’m tired of starting over. I feel like I’m constantly starting over. I’m just not going anywhere. There’s beginnings and endings. The middle part seems very stagnant.” Ironically, I basically did start over not long after that. It was good for me too. I don’t think I’m going nowhere now. I THINK I’m moving forward, just not at a very fast pace.

In just a few days, I’ll turn 43 years old. Am I where someone my age “should be?” Probably not. But, I am where I am, and that’s not where I was. Where I was wasn’t good. Where I am is not great. But, where I am is a lot better than where I was, and that’s a good thing.

I’m Wandering Through Thin Skies and the Transparent Air I’ve Missed.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

I’ve sometimes joked that there’s never been a better time to be depressed. And honestly, I stand by that statement, as weird as it may be. There’s so many more resources and things available to people that suffer from whatever kind of mental illness that they suffer from.

I’ve recently had the pleasure of hearing stories from some high school kids. I’ve heard about their battles with depression. I’ve seen how positive, uplifting, and even inspiring these kids are. They spoke about how friends rally around them. They spoke about their support system in the school and the support that the school provides. And while I was hearing these stories I thought to myself “where the Hell were these support systems when I was in high school?”
In just a little under a month, 25 years will have passed since I graduated from high school. It looks like a lot has changed in those 25 years.

A friend once told me that she was being bullied by some other students while in 8th grade. She told one teacher about it. He pulled those kids aside and said “leave her alone, you know she’s crazy.”

I remember very clearly when I was speaking to a guidance counselor about a class that I wanted to take. She was told that my grades weren’t good enough for that class and then proceeded to mention how lazy I was. When I got upset about that comment, instead of seeing a lack of motivation possibly due some form of mental illness, she was doubled down on my laziness.

My friend’s example and the my story about the guidance counselor seem to be a stark contrast to the things I heard from the students that I talked to recently. Teachers and counselors are so much more aware of mental health now. Students can go to them for help and not fear being made to feel worse like I did.

The stigma attached to mental illness needs to be eradicated.

I purposely left that last sentence by itself. It needs to stand out. If someone needs help, they should be able to get it. If they’re reaching out to someone, the last thing they need is to be made to feel worse.

I’m now a part of my town’s Stigma Free Committee. I’m proud of that. I’m glad to be a founding member of something so important. But, at the same time, the whole thing terrifies me. I have a bit of social anxiety. I don’t like being the center of attention. I don’t want to be the face of anything. I like lurking in the background and doing what I have to do.

A few years ago, I had a conversation with one of my elementary school teachers. I’ll never forget when he said “I was always worried about you. You were that quiet kid in the corner.” I laughed at that and told him “I’m still the quiet kid in the corner.” But, what I didn’t realize at that point, and probably until the idea for this blog entry started is that I’m turning that “quiet kid in the corner” thing into a strength. I’m not saying it was ever a weakness, but it’s definitely a good thing for me.

As I said, I don’t want to be the face of things. I don’t mind being a part of something, but I don’t want to be the main focus. This blog allows me to do that. Yes, the majority of people that read my entries may actually know me, but my real name isn’t on most social networks. I’m able to hide behind a screen name. I’m able to be in the background, but still make a difference.

Some may think it’s ironic when I say that many of my friendships have been formed due to my misery and depression. But, it’s absolutely true. Music has much to do with that. I listen to a lot of miserably depressing music. And I have a great time doing it. Bands like Paradise Lost, Katatonia, Anathema, and Life of Agony have been therapeutic for me at times. Let me give you an example.

In the summer of 2016 I went to 2 days of a 3 day music festival somewhere near me. The person I was with at those shows saw me watch a band on day 1 and saw me thoroughly enjoy myself. She saw me watch Life of Agony on the other day and commented that she’s “never seen me like that” and wanted to know what was different for me about the experiences. I told that I attend that first bands shows just for a good time. I see Life of Agony to let out my problems.

Life of Agony shows are great experiences for me. I’ve had vastly different experiences at them too. There’s times when I’ve gone to see them when I’ve been in one heck of a depression spell and I’ve walked out of their shows feeling refreshed. There’s also times when I’ve gone to their shows in a great mood and just enjoyed the show for what it was. And not to mention that I’ve made some incredibly great friends at those shows.

I’ve drifted a bit from the original concept of this entry, but that’s fine. I only had a loose set of concepts for it. I’m not going to edit this one much. I’m not going to do a ton of re-writes. I’m going to leave it as it is. I’m going to try to tie the various themes together, but after another brief turn. in the meantime, if you want to read more about my experiences at Life of Agony shows, you can read this entry.

We really do live in strange times. The political climate in the United States may be more divided than it’s ever been, if you don’t include that time leading up to the Civil War. But, Civil War aside, we’re pretty divided. There’s very little common ground anymore. It’s either one side or the other. That’s another reason I like my music and the concerts that I go to. I know there’s people there of different political beliefs as me, but for the time that we’re at that show, none of that matters.
Music can be a universal language. It doesn’t speak to one type of person. It speaks to everyone. It doesn’t know race, gender, religion, or political affiliation. But, you know what else doesn’t know any of those? Mental illness doesn’t discriminate. It can impact anyone, regardless of their background.

We need to do something. After talking to the students that I’ve talked to, and after hearing some of the things the schools in my town are doing now to help kids cope, I have to admit that I have a little bit of hope. Although, hope usually scares me. Hope means something could be going well, and it’s my nature to assume that something will go drastically wrong once there’s hope. But, in this case, I want to keep believing in that hope and prove my usual doubts wrong.

I know my blog entries have helped people. There’s been a few people that have reached out to me to tell me. In fact, one of them is someone I met because of the concerts I spoke about earlier. See, I told you I would keep this all tied together.

The things I write, even if it’s just once per month (as it usually is) are very helpful to me. But, if anyone else gets something positive from them, I think that’s great. It’s also a bit overwhelming to know that I’m making any kind of positive impact, even if I’m hiding in the darkness while I’m doing it. But, I’ve said countless times that we need to do something to END the stigma attached to mental illness. And even if JUST ONE person feels the need to reach out to me about something, I’m doing my part.

Will you do yours?