Category Archives: Depression

A Channel for the Pain.

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Despite what people may think if they’ve read a few of my entries, I don’t actually like writing about depression. I would really like to have happier topics to write about, and sometimes I’ll sneak an upbeat blog entry in. But, the majority of what I write on here does deal with depression and anxiety. As I’ve said a few times, I’ve been programmed to doubt myself. I’ve been programmed to not like myself. Some people have said I shouldn’t think about it so much, but I’ve realized that the only way I can uncover more layers of my issues is to think about and to discuss it.

This entry though, while it will touch upon some of my issues isn’t really about me. It’s about anyone else that has some form of mental illness and needs an outlet. I feel that as much as I need to vent sometimes, others probably need it a lot more. So, bare with me in this entry as I attempt to discuss a pretty serious topic that, unfortunately I’ve touched on before.

I don’t claim to have the answers. Sometimes, I don’t even know what the questions are. That’s part of my daily struggle. I have no doubt that part of my anxiety is caused by wanting answers to my problems. I may not have answers, and I may have a lot of uncertainty, but there is one thing I am certain of, and that’s simply that I have to keep going.

Very recently, someone that I didn’t know, but some of my friends did know, decided he couldn’t keep going. He made a choice to end his life. I am very sad over this. I’m not just sad for my friends, but I’m also sad because (it seems) that depression claimed another one.

I don’t know the details of what was wrong with him or what lead to his decision. From what I’ve learned about the situation, nobody had any real indication of anything being so severe that this could have happened. I don’t know if it knowing anything in advance would make it any less painful for his friends and family.

The story I’m telling here is one of the reasons I write these entries. It’s my therapy. It’s my outlet. It’s my venting. It’s my way of helping myself. It’s my way of letting people know me. It’s my way of letting people know there’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s my way of letting people know that it’s okay to not be okay.

I know that very often I repeat themes in my blog entries, but that’s because sometimes themes in my life repeat. I try to learn from them, and sometimes that means I have to revisit them. Sometimes, it’s not even by choice that I revisit them, but I do it. Regardless of that, I deal with it. I do what I need to do to get from one day to the next. No matter how sad, melancholy, downtrodden, lonely, or flat out depressed I get, I keep going. I have to. I know that.

Too many people feel they can’t keep going. I feel for them. I grieve for them. I wish I could have helped them. I wish someone could have helped them. I wish they could have helped themselves.

About this time last year, a friend of mine told me about a time she wanted to hurt herself. She said she may have wanted to take it to an unfortunate and ultimate end. She assured me she was okay by the time she had told me about it, but was still a bit down. I told her that she and I would go out for coffee and she would talk, I would listen. And that’s what we did. She’s in a much better place in life now, so she tells me. She also recently told me that she had passed a full year without any self harm. I congratulated her on that and she thanked me for being supportive and for playing a role in her recovery. I know I’m not THE reason she’s better off now, but I know I played a small part in it and I’m proud of that and I’m proud of her.

People need to be able to speak about their problems. Keeping them inside leads to more pain. That growing pain may manifest itself in life altering decisions. Those decisions may have irreversible consequences.

THAT is why I write these. THAT is why I reach out to people. And THAT is why I will continue to write about this topic when I feel I need to. I want to know that I’m okay. I want to know it’s okay if I’m not okay. I want you to know it’s okay to not be okay. And we all need to know that one day things might be okay.

Tonight I’m Trying and I See All Dread in Me.

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A few weeks ago, I almost had a bad day. Actually, I just thought I was going to have a bad day. Because of those thoughts, I ended up having a bad day. Absolutely nothing really went wrong during that day. In fact, I had resolved a few issues early in the day and things were looking good. But, one thought planted in my head caused me to have an overwhelming feeling of dread.

That type of thing is not abnormal for me. The reality is, I expect bad things to happen. And I definitely expect them to happen if I’ve been having a string of good things happen for a while. Unfortunately, when I start thinking bad things are going to happen, my depression kicks in. Yes, the thought of bad things happening to me makes me depressed and that causes my anxiety to act up, which makes me more depressed. Sometimes I’m depressed because I think I’m going to be depressed.

I’ve spoken of my programming and my default settings. I’ve been programmed to think I don’t deserve good things. I’ve been programmed to believe bad things are going to happen to me. I’ve been programmed to think I’m beneath other people. I’ve been programmed to feel inadequate. I’ve been programmed to believe my interests, thoughts, and aspirations are childish, silly, or stupid. Any time I start to think things contrary to my programming, it confuses me and I often revert back to the default setting.

As I said at the beginning of this entry, sometimes I know there’s a depression episode coming and once the knowledge of it comes to me, it’s basically the trigger for me to shut down emotionally, feel sick to my stomach, or whatever my body does at that time during the episode. There are times when I can fight it off, but I almost feel that’s putting off the inevitable or even living in denial. There’s times when I welcome the emotional shut down. It’s almost an “okay, bring it on, let’s get this over with” type of feeling. Although, I don’t know how long it’s going to last. One day? Two days? One week? One month? I never know.

When I started typing this, I wasn’t feeling too bad. But, as I get more and more into it, I started to feel some anxiety. I think it’s a good thing, in this case. It means emotions are bubbling up to the surface. That’s why I write these. That’s why I’ll talk to anyone willing to listen. That’s why I will continue to do whatever I know will be helpful to me. Keeping this to myself just makes it worse. There’s no “light at the end of the tunnel” if I keep it to myself. In fact, keeping to myself makes me feel like the tunnel is never ending and possibly caving in on me.

These entries may sometimes seem repetitious. I know that I touch on the same topics that I’ve touched on before. But, that’s because I have to. It’s because the issues still exist. The symptoms still exist. I don’t talk about it just to talk about it. I don’t talk about it for attention. I certainly don’t talk about it for pity. I’m not a martyr. I’m someone that lives WITH depression and anxiety. I’m not someone that lives FOR depression and anxiety.

I’ve said a few times that I think I’m just scratching the surface with some of my issues. Over the last few months, I’ve read a book and listened to a podcast from a particular person. So many things he’s said about his own depression and anxiety, his family, his relationships, and his worries in general hit home hard with me. The issues are so similar. And that’s reminds me of something I’ve said multiple times in these entries, I’m NOT alone. There are others going through similar issues. I’ve reached out to a few friends recently about some of these problems. Some of us even had a good laugh over the concept of being depressed due to anxiety caused by the fear of an oncoming depression. We laugh about it because we have to. We would probably completely lose our minds if we didn’t.

This entry right here, this is just another chapter in a story that’s ongoing. It’s another day in the life, although sometimes it’s multiple days. As I’ve said before, I’m not giving up. I’ll continue to deal with this, even if the thought of that fight makes me anxious, which causes me to get depressed, which causes more anxiety, which causes more depression…

Yes, the struggle is real. The dread I see and feel is real. But, my determination to keep going is as well.

Should You Go Crossing That Silvery Brook, It’s Best To Leap Before You Look.

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A few big name celebrities have died over the last few months. Some of those names, David Bowie in particular, prompted a lot of comments and conversation on the social networks. Personally, I read many comments from people talking about sad they were, how devastated they were, and how much Bowie meant to them. I also read comments from people mocking other people’s sadness over someone they’ve never met. I really do have a serious problem with that.

There’s been a few times when a celebrity death has hit me hard. I wrote about my feelings on the death of Robin Williams. That one was difficult for me. In 2015 we lost Dusty Rhodes and Roddy Piper. As a lifelong fan of Professional Wrestling, those two losses were crushing to me, especially Roddy Piper, he was the reason I became of fan of that industry to begin with. I did meet Piper one time, but I never met Dusty Rhodes. I cried when those two died. I cried when Robin Williams died. In 1995, I cried when Mickey Mantle died. He retired from Major League Baseball 7 years before I was born. I know there’s been other celebrity deaths that have brought me to tears, but these are some of the ones that I can think of at the moment.

The point some of the critics had about people I’ve never met is only true to a very small degree. I haven’t met most of the celebrities that I’ve shed the tears over. They weren’t personal friends of mine, they weren’t family, they didn’t mean anything to me. Well, that’s just it. They were like friends of mine, they were like family, and they meant a lot to me and to many others as well.

In the cases of Dusty Rhodes and Roddy Piper specifially, those two spent their entire lives putting their bodies on the line in Professional Wrestling. I spent countless hours of my childhood being hooked by what they were doing and countless hours of my adult life admiring what they had been through just to entertain people. They brought smiles and happiness to many people. And those two, like so many other celebrities, entertainers, musicians, actors, and artists spend their lives making other people forget about their problems. That’s what friends do for one another.

I did not choose to be upset about any of their deaths. Just like I don’t choose to be upset when a relationship or a friendship has problems. I don’t choose to be happy when something goes well for me. Despite what I’ve heard recently on the radio (which may be a topic for a different time), I believe people cannot choose to be happy or sad. It’s what emotions do. People that are in touch with their emotions and allow their emotions to flow naturally feel what they’re supposed to feel at that time. There really isn’t much of a choice to it.

Do not tell me, or anyone else, that crying because a musician who has been entertaining people for over 40 years has died that we don’t have a right to feel sad or to shed tears of that. Do not tell me that it’s silly for that to happen. Do not tell me that the death of a “c-list” celebrity isn’t important enough to acknowledge on Facebook or Twitter. That person, while maybe not as famous as others, gave of him or her self to entertain us. Do not tell me what I am allowed to feel, because nobody can tell me what or how to feel, not even myself.

How Long Will it Take Until There Will Be Room Again For Hope?

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At the end of every year I ask myself if I’m better off than I was one year ago. Looking back at older blog entries I’ve seen that the answer has varied. But, if my biggest regrets of 2015 are failing to read one book per month and still not being able to successfully do the Black Crow pose in DDP Yoga, I think it’s safe to say that yes, I’m better off at the end of 2015 than I was one year ago.

It’s no secret that one of the biggest sources of constant frustration for me has been my financial situation. I have been living paycheck to paycheck for so long. It’s more like surviving paycheck to paycheck. There’s been little to no money left before the next paycheck would arrive. I kept trying to get a second or a better paying job. I would fill out application after application and I would rarely ever hear back from anyone. Then, I started getting replies. I went on some interviews. The first time I had only one interview. The second time I had more than one. I didn’t get hired those times, but simply because I kept going further in the process I had a little bit more confidence. Then something happened, I got hired.

The hiring at this job wasn’t necessarily the good thing I had hoped though. After going through an interview with two assistant managers at the location and seeing them impressed with my resume and what they thought I could accomplish, they set up an interview with the big manager. He also said he was impressed with my resume, but figured I needed a new challenge and assigned me to work in a department that had nothing to do with anything I had applied for. It was an area I didn’t know much about and the pay was commission based. I reluctantly accepted the position, but after just over one month of it, I knew it wasn’t for me at all. Working the two jobs was draining me of all of my energy. Due to the hours I was working and the little amount of time I had between jobs, I was not sleeping much. I had no time to do anything I needed to do at my house. And instead of being depressed that I had no money or food, I was depressed because I had no time to get any good food or to do anything besides work. To make a somewhat longer story than it needed to be shorter, I left that job. But, this story doesn’t end there. I ended up getting another second job that was much better for my schedule. I still have time to do what I need to do and I actually enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not living comfortably now. I’m just living a lot less uncomfortably.

If you didn’t know the whole story, you would say my social life isn’t any better than it was one year ago. But, I think it is. I reconnected with some old friends, I strengthened many friendships, and I made a few new friends as well. Sure, I’ve remained single throughout the year and I still have feelings of loneliness, but I also have a feeling of hope that I haven’t had in a very long time. Much like the job situation, I think I’m getting closer with each effort to change that. Each bit of discouragement here is discouraging me less, if that makes sense.

Last month I wrote about the races I ran in 2015 and how proud of my accomplishments I am. I ended 2014 not being able to complete a 5k in under 29 minutes. I ran 9 races in 2015 and only one was above 29, with a few of them being under 28 minutes, and my fastest being only 7.8 seconds away from 27 minutes. I have a pretty clear goal for 5k races in 2016.

In last year’s entry, I spoke about how I couldn’t get my weight under 200 pounds. I had been so close, but I was never able to make it there. I spent much of 2015 in the 195 range. In 2016 I want to stay (or get back) there and possibly get a little bit lower as well. I spent much of my life believing I couldn’t be in better shape, now I know I can. I also know I can be even better than I am. The mental “programming” I’ve spoken of in other entries is being changed little by little. Although, I’ve also learned (and quickly) that my metabolism is not great anymore and as soon as I slow down the workouts, my weight can go up quickly. I’ll be getting back to basics and working towards what I want to achieve.

While speaking of my programming. I did have my share of struggles with depression and anxiety during the year, but it wasn’t as bad as previous years had been. If nothing else, as I get older, I do get a little wiser and I am able to handle and manage my issues slightly better. I know I’ll continue to deal with this, and I’m sure I’ll have emotional setbacks. But, I’ll get through them.

One thing that was definitely a highlight for me in 2015 was the bond I developed with my nephew. It took a little while, but I’ve become one of his favorite people. I have trouble putting into words the feeling I get when I see him smile because he’s happy to see me. And of course, he has a little sister now as well, so yes, I have a niece now too. The overwhelming joy those two bring me is amazing. It’s things like this that motivate me.

As of today, December 31, 2015, there are only 186 days until my 40th birthday. That milestone looms over me almost like a really large black cloud. I felt I hadn’t done enough by the time I hit 30 years old. Now it’s almost 10 years later and I still feel that way. The difference now is that I feel I’m on the right track. I still don’t really know what the destination is, but I’m pretty sure that I’m heading there. Along the way,  I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to have setback. I’m going to be disappointed. I’m going battle my depression. I also know that I can get stronger from all of that. I NEED to get stronger from all of that. I may not accomplish everything I want to, or need to, get done in 2016, but if I can look back in one year and again say I’m better off than I was, then I’m doing something right and I need to keep doing it

If You See Me at the Bottom, Please Bring Me My Running Shoes.

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As much as running the five 5k races I took part in during 2014 was good for me, I never hit one of my goals, and that was to be under 29 minutes. I came close. My fastest time was 29:12.9. But one thing I learned during those races is that is 12.9 seconds can be a long time.

Early in 2015 I decided I was going to run more races. The first one I signed up for took place on April 18th. It was a new race for me, and I knew it would be a bit challenging. It had a lot of inclines and a few hills. And just a few days before the race, I started taking antibiotics for a mild sinus infection. It was a also a bit chilly that morning, but I was dressed for it. What I remember the most about this race was how when I made the final turn and headed toward the finish line, it seemed so far away. It was probably 3 or 4 blocks away, but it seemed like miles. I finished this race in 29:36.2. I was still over 29 minutes, but I was also faster than the last one I did in 2014 and I was satisfied knowing I was right about where I had been after not running for a race for 5 months.

About one month later, I did my second 5k of the year. I always drive the path in my car a few days before the race to get a feel for the path if I had not run the race before. This one seemed like it could be challenging for me. The morning of the race was hot and humid. It was not a nice day for a run. I didn’t get off to a good start. I felt like I didn’t have much in me. When I got to the 1st mile marker I looked to see the time and noticed they didn’t have a clock there. They also didn’t have one at the 2nd mile marker. So, I really had no idea how I was doing. When I got near the 3rd mile, I really didn’t have confidence in how I did. But when I saw the time at the finish, I was shocked. I completed this race in 28:46.4. I was under 29 minutes. To be honest, I really didn’t believe it. I thought something was wrong, so the joy I should have felt for setting a new record for myself wasn’t there.

A few weeks later was my next race. This one was also one with a lot of inclines and hills. Luckily for me, for every incline there was an equal decline. I felt a little more confident in myself than I did previously in the year. I crossed the finish line at 28:48.51. Only about 2 seconds slower than my previous race. Normally I would be bothered by being slower by such a small margin, but instead I felt that my record time had now been validated. I was definitely an under 29 minute finisher.

Only 13 days later, on June 20th, I competed in my 4th race of the year. This would be the last one that was new for me. It was described as a “fast and flat” course and from my practice drive, it seemed to be. I knew I was doing well from the start. I felt good. But I had no idea just how well I was really doing until near the end. I use the same playlist of songs for every race I’ve ever run and I’ve crossed the finish line to Lacuna Coil’s “Daylight Dancer” every single time. When I got to the 3rd mile, “Daylight Dancer” was just starting. I’m usually well into the song at this point in the race. When I saw the time at the finish line, I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. My finish time was 27:51.86. I set a new record for myself by almost a full minute. I was now under 28 minutes!

After that race I didn’t play on doing any more over the summer. But after finishing so well, I was afraid I would lose momentum. But, I did end up taking the summer off from actual races. That’s not to say I didn’t put in my fair share of practice, but I didn’t do anything official.

My next race was on September 5th. It was my hometown’s race and it would be the 4th time I was competing in it. Being that I had done this race before, my minimum expectation for it was to at the very least, be quicker than I had been in it previously. I had some other goals for the race, which on race day actually changed to include being quicker than a specific person I saw running it as well. Much like the 6/20 race almost 3 months earlier, “Daylight Dancer” started as I was approaching the 3 mile mark. When I was close enough to see the time at the finish line, I gave it everything I had and crossed the line at 27:50.6. By 1.2 seconds I had set another new record for myself and not only that, I beat last year’s time by about 95 seconds. I accomplished every goal I set out to accomplish in this race. Yes, every goal. I did end up having a quicker race than the person I mentioned.

The rest of the races I competed in for the year were also all repeats for me. The next one I did was 3 weeks later and I finished in 28:01.8. I didn’t set a new record, but I did it in about 75 quicker than the year before. No complaints at all.

For my race on October 10th, I was very determined to redeem myself after a setback on this course from the year before. When I did the race in 2014, it was raining, there was a stretch of unpaved road in which I was not comfortable running, and at one point my shoelace came untied. I finished the race 4 seconds away from a record. As I said, I was determined to redeem myself. However, since I had beaten that time in six races since then, I didn’t know what redemption was at this point. I got off to a very quick start. I believe my first mile was my quickest to date. I knew I was doing very well. Somewhere around the 2.5 mile mark, I checked the GPS on my phone to see my progress. I didn’t clip the phone on well enough and I dropped it. I had to stop and pick it up. A few minutes later, “Daylight Dancer” started playing and the finish line was in sight. I saw the time and started thinking that the phone mishap would cost me a chance at a record and my quest for redemption would be ruined. However, I made it across the finish line at 27:49.9. 7/10 of a second quicker than my previous record. My redemption had been achieved.

Two weeks later I did another fast and flat course. This was the one that I had set my record on last year. I did it in 29:12.9. As was the case with the previous repeat races, my minimum goal was to beat last year’s time. By the time race day had arrived, I really felt like doing the race was a chore. I didn’t really feel up to actually doing it. But, I did it. And I got off to a good start. I felt strong throughout, despite it being a bit chillier than I like when I run. Somewhere around the 2.5 mile mark, I started to think I was really doing well, but I didn’t quite know how well yet. When I got the 3rd mile marker, “Daylight Dancer” was not on yet. Garbage’s “Push It” was still playing, and it was just ending when I crossed the finish line. I crossed at 27:07.8. Again, I set a new record by almost 50 seconds. I really couldn’t believe how well I did. And on top of it, I did the race over 2 full minutes quicker than the year before. That’s some improvement!

The final race I did this year was also the final race I did last year. In 2014, I finished it in 29:40.4. It was my slowest finish of the year out of five races, but if I wanted to put a positive spin on it, I was my 5th best finish, out of the seven races I had done up to that point. Much like last year, I had trouble breaking out of the pack at the beginning. This races starts on a narrow road and has a lot of kids in it. They tend to stay bunched up. Regardless of those factors, and the cold weather, I felt pretty good. I did hear the beginning of “Daylight Dancer” this time, so I knew a record setting race wasn’t happening. I finished at 27:57.7. Like last year, it was my 5th quickest finish of the year, but this time it was 5th of 9 races. And like last year, this course ended up being my 5th quickest finish yet.

As I stated in my blog entry about my races from last year, my issues with depression are well documented. Sometimes, I find it hard to be motivated enough to get anything done. But these races are good for me. I set goals and I accomplish them. Sometimes, I surprise myself with how well I do. That’s why I do this. And that’s why I’ll do it again in 2016. I ended last year wanting to be under 29 minutes. I was 12.9 seconds away. I ended 2015 just 7.8 seconds away from 27 minutes. It looks like my goal for 2016 is clear.

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The racing shoes have taken a beating and are being retired from actual competition. The number in the middle was my ID for my record shattering race in October.

 

Bleach the Imperfections, Plating Them in Gold.

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About a week or so ago, a coworker asked me “How do you do it? How is it you say you’re depressed, yet you’re smiling so much and you seem happy?” I told him that I usually try to follow the lyrics to an Allman Brothers Band song and “leave my blues at home.” I also told him that sometimes the lyrics to an Arch Enemy song, “behind the smile, I feel nothing” is where I am. But, overall, I’m not in a bad place right now. Well, let me re-word that. I’ve been much worse. Where I am now certainly isn’t great.

I committed myself to writing at least one blog entry per month in 2015. If you’ll notice, many of my entries are later in the month, as I’ve never been too good with deadlines. The majority of what I write about deals with my ongoing struggle with depression, anxiety, and probably some other forms of mental illness that I haven’t even fully identified yet. Part of the reason this particular entry is so late in the month is really due to an issue of writer’s block that I’m dealing with. And it’s not that I don’t have something to say, it’s mostly due to me not feeling too bad lately.

I’ve documented my struggles with money. I’ve taken some steps to make that a little bit better, and so far it’s working. Part-time jobs on top of my full-time job are helping me out. Actually, I’ve recently accepted and left a job that I felt wasn’t working out for me. It’s nice to have a few options there for myself and so far, as I’ve said, it’s working.

I’ve also even seen an upswing in my social life lately. There’s actually hope where there didn’t seem to be. Of course, it’s not my nature to have too much hope in any circumstance. Naturally, I have my doubts, worries, and fears about all of this. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.

This entry is absolutely not what I imagined writing. It’s so far from the way I started it too. It had a different title and a different name. The original draft had a much darker tone to it. There’s things that I was going to write about that didn’t fit with my current mood. And I probably will write about them at some point soon, but I’ll want to put significant thought into them before I do that.

It’s probably not a good thing that I fully expect my good mood to change at any time. I expect whatever good things I’m doing to crumble. I expect everything around me to fall back into the full despair I’m used to. There’s significant precedent for that. And you know what, it very well may happen that way, but for the time being, I’m going to do my best to enjoy the ride.

This Thought is All I Have to Trust Upon When Light is Gone.

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In an entry I wrote a while back I discussed having feelings of shame and fear that I’ve had for much of my life. I mentioned how I was “programmed” to have those feelings. But, where did that programming come from? There’s definitely been different sources of that programming, but in reality, a lot of it came directly from my parents. And, as I said a few times, this is not a “woe is me” post, this is me understanding things.

It basically goes back to the very beginning. Almost one year to the day after I was born, my parents and I moved to where I live now. And all I ever heard from my mother about where we lived was how much she disliked being here. She never wanted to be here and always talked about how much she wanted to leave. The part about her wanting to leave is actually more complicated than just her dislike of where she lived, but that’s for another time. The point I’m trying to make here is that I never once heard her say anything good about the town or state we lived in. I was programmed to dislike it and that lead to me being ashamed of it.

The upkeep of my house was neglected for years. My mom did various cleaning jobs during the week, but overall maintenance wasn’t done. Walls were dirty, paint is chipped, there’s cracks, not to mention dust and dirt. I kept hearing about how disgusting the house is and nobody should be allowed to be here. The result of that, I didn’t have many guests in my house. I was programmed to not like my house and programmed to be ashamed to have guests.

I know what you’re thinking about that last paragraph. Why didn’t I do more around the house to help keep up appearances? Well, there’s a story for that too. I can clearly remember many times as I child wanting to help with things. Even if it was helping to bring groceries into the house. Often I was told “you can help by getting out of the way” or something like “you can help by leaving.” That did a lot for my esteem. It programmed me to not get involved and to not know how to help, or even really offer any help.

As a child, I developed interests in Professional Wrestling, Star Wars, GI Joe, and a few other things that people start liking at a young age. And many of these interests stayed with me. Occasionally, my parents would take my sister and I to a wrestling event, but like most things my parents did with us,we did them a few times, and then we just didn’t do them again. Of course, I was also told my interest in these things was silly because those things were stupid or childish. Those comments didn’t stop. I was programmed to believe things I liked were not good, therefore I became ashamed of what I liked.

I never knew my parents to get along too well. Seeing them do things together was rare and it actually confused me. Let me make it very clear that them not getting along was mostly them doing all they could to avoid each other while living under the same roof. When they were in the same room, it would usually be an argument, or at least snide remarks back and forth. Holidays were always fun, especially with the two of them having different beliefs. Of course, neither of them practiced any beliefs or anything religious. The only times I ever heard anything religious discussed in the house was when they were arguing about it, mostly how the other one was wrong. What I’ve described in this paragraph programmed various negative traits in me. And believe me, their relationship is something that I could write multiple entries on. I’m sure it will come up again.

My dad does not express emotions. If I went to him with an issue I had with him, I would usually get a blank stare, a response that didn’t really suit the problem, or some of the most shrink worthy avoidance anyone has ever seen. If I went to my mom with an issue I had with her, I would usually be told that I was wrong, or that whatever my issue was simply didn’t matter. If I tell my dad that things he says bother me or offend me somehow, he’ll just keep doing it. I know there’s not a malicious thing there, it’s just that there’s no point to discussing things like that with him, even if the concept is to improve (or at least create) the relationship. If I went to my mom and told her that things she said or did bothered or offended me, she would either tell me I was wrong, or that she’s been holding back her true feelings on it and was “tired of walking on egg shells” around me. So how was I programmed here? I was programmed that it’s probably better to not discuss my feelings because if I do, I’m probably wrong anyway.

My bedroom was my sanctuary, but like it is for many children, it’s also the place you’re sent to when you’re being punished. You know, the old “go to your room” thing. Think of the dichotomy there. My safe place is my punishment place. How did this program me? Did it make me have contradictory feelings about same thing? Or did it just program me to be confused about this as I am as I’m writing it?

I feel that writing all of this is important for me. I’ve often felt that I’m just starting to scratch the surface of what my issues are and where they came from. What’s been said here is me talking about what’s bubbled up a little bit. But here’s the thing about this entry that I believe is the most important part about any of this. For all the people out there that may read this story or something similar from someone else and just brush it off with a “you’re 39 years old, get over it” attitude, let me tell you that I think this IS me getting over it, or at least me getting through it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be “over it.” But, I believe in order to achieve healing, I must first achieve understanding of what caused the issues to begin with. That way I can attempt to figure out how to deal with them in a positive way, especially since I still have to confront many of the causes on a daily basis.

All of these entries are about me getting better, they’re about me healing, and they’re about me moving forward. But, I believe I need to know not just where I’ve been, but I how I got there. Once I figure all of that out, I could be free to change the programming and go someplace better than where I’ve been stuck for so long, and finally be without so much fear and shame.

Through Cracks and Wounds Our Pain Reflected in a Thousand Mirrors

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The frustration I feel is growing. My burdens stay with me. I’ve been walking around with a blank expression on my face lately. And recently, my desire to go into a corner or a dark room and cry has been my stronger than any other desire. My depression fueled laziness is prominent again.

I want to make it very clear that the paragraph above are not the words of someone that is giving up. They are the words of someone that is acknowledging that there is a problem, that is dealing with it, and that is trying to make things better, but seeing such little progress. It’s very defeating and I don’t know what to do about it.

The biggest culprit that’s impacting me is my finances, or lack thereof. I wrote an entry about this a few months ago. It hasn’t gotten any better. I have applied for jobs. I have gone on a few interviews. I’ve advanced in the interview process, but as of the time I’m writing this, nothing has changed. I still have my one low paying full-time job that keeps me under the poverty line.

I work full-time and can’t afford things I need. I can’t afford new shoes, new clothes, new glasses, and I certainly don’t have enough money to fix/repair my 16 year old car, let alone replace it. The car runs, but for how long? Basically, I work so I can afford to put gas into the car so I can get to and from work. And oh yeah, I can go to a supermarket on the way back from work and get the minimal amount of food I’ll need until the next paycheck, with as many coupons as possible. And at that supermarket, I have to make decisions, such as “can I afford olives for a salad, or is that too much of a luxury for me this week?”

My social life? What social life? I go out once or maybe twice per paycheck, if at all, and in (too) many cases, my friends pick up the tab for me since I can’t afford it. While I appreciate that, it bothers me to be in that position.
In all seriousness, I have turned down a date recently because I couldn’t afford to go. That’s where I am now. My finances are contributing to my loneliness. It’s not good.

I don’t want to hear any garbage from people saying that I need to learn a particular skill or trade to make a lot of money. I have 20 years of retail experience, and I’ve been a supervisor and manager. I don’t feel entitled to anything, but I know that I should be making more now. At some points, my salary was over $4 more per hour than it is now. For various reasons, I’ve had to switch jobs over the past few years and my salary has DECREASED each time. There’s a problem with the economic system we have now. I spend a decent a mount of my abundant free time reading about it. And while I like the education I get from the articles and books, it angers and depresses me more. I could spend A LOT of time getting into this particular topic, but I haven’t gotten too political in these entries.

Of course, if I get a second job, I’ll have more money to do things. However, I won’t have any time to do the things that I will then be able to afford.

I don’t want to live like this. Although, I could definitely make the argument that I’m not “living” like this, I’m merely surviving. My issues have once again began to weigh me down. I feel burdened and empty. I continue to push and push. I continue to do things that are supposed to make my situation better and not one of them has come to fruition. The frustration of the failures keeps growing.

I’ve gone out with friends recently. I have a good time in the moment, but the simple fact that I’m out with someone and probably spending some money is a burden in my mind. I can’t help but focus on that. The sad thing is, them offering to have me at their house and offering food and drinks makes me feel like I’m the burden, which adds to my mental burdens, which then makes me feel bad and not enjoy myself as much as I should.

Very often, I feel like my life is happening with me on the outside looking in. I actually had a dream last night in which a large group of my friends (and some former friends) were hanging out together. Where was I? I was watching them from the other side of a mesh fence. Literally, on the outside looking in. I don’t even know if this is relevant to this entry, but I think it’s a good indication of what I’m feeling now about my life in general. This could be a blog topic by itself, and maybe it will be.

Yeah, I know, there’s a lot of things going on inside me. Many of the issues are cyclical ones, and getting out of the cycle is challenging. Don’t you think that I would if I could? There isn’t a magic fix for anything. Well, there’s always a lottery victory, but I can’t afford to buy tickets.

The feelings of rejection, defeat, loss, loneliness, and even sometimes hopelessness that I feel are strong. I would to replace all of them with feelings of acceptance, victory, gains, fulfillment, and hope. My struggle is real. My struggle is strong. I just need to be stronger than it is.

I Dare Not Break the Circuit.

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It’s been documented in these entries that I analyze my life a little bit more than usual when July starts. It’s not just the half way point of the year, but it’s when my birthday happens. And my birthday is in just two days (as I’m writing this). And that means there are only 368 days until my 40th birthday. 40…
Despite some people telling me how great life after 40 can be, it seems like a pretty frightening number for me. At least, for now. And let me assure you that I am grateful that next year is a leap year. I get an extra day before the big 4 0.

In my last entry, I mentioned how “the hand that was dealt to me in life” hasn’t really been a good one. There’s always some obstacle in my way. And it seems that whenever I get past one, another one appears. In some cases, an old one comes back. But, whatever it is, it’s in the way of my progress.

I deal with depression, anxiety, and stress. I think the key word there is “deal.” I do deal with it. I don’t ignore it. I don’t hide from it. It is a big part of who I am. As long as I can keep it under control, I’m doing okay.

My financial situation is so far behind where it should be at my age. Hell, it’s behind where it should have been ten years ago. But, unfortunately, I’m not a Time Lord. I cannot change what’s done. And actually, if I was a Time Lord, I would be discouraged from changing things, so that wouldn’t matter anyway. But, as I’ve stated before, I spent my 20s creating my debt and I spent most of my 30s paying it off. Now, at (just about) 39 years old, I have no debt, but I make less money than I have since the late 1990s.

I have an associates degree. I have 20 years of retail experience. The words “supervisor” and “manager” are in my resume, but I have no luck with job or career advancement. I cannot afford to go to school and the thought of getting into debt to do so terrifies me. I send out job applications and hear nothing back. And the companies that do contact me are not ones I would want to work for. It’s a tiring game.

My social life has suffered a bit due to my financial issues. There’s no doubt that my depression, stress, and anxiety are also tied in to those situations as well. I’ve dealt with it for a long time. But, it’s time to make something change.

It’s actually well past me WANTING to change something. It’s a NEED. I NEED things to be different. I NEED to be on a path to success. I NEED to get past the obstacles in my way. This blog is something that can help me do that. Often when I feel I’ve identified an issue that needs to be addressed, I write about it here. I will continue to do that. It’s good for me.

I know I’m better than this. It’s ironic that I just said that. I used to get very upset if anyone said to me. I would always interpret it as them saying “you’re not good enough where you are.” But, that’s my “normal.”

I’ve broken some of the bad habits I’ve had, but I need to break more of them. I need to have more productive habits that produce positive results. I need the results to match the effort I think I’ve put into myself. Because, while the “hand I’ve been dealt in life” may not be good, and maybe I can’t change the game, it may be time for me to shuffle the deck a bit.

For Absent Friends

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This entry is one I’ve been wanting to write for a while. I don’t know how it’s going to turn out since I feel a bit scatterbrained lately. There’s just a lot of things on my mind, and some of them could come out in this entry. But the main thing that I’ve felt lately is just like I’ve been abandoned. But, how can someone that sometimes isolates himself also feel abandoned?  How can someone that knows he’s not alone feel so completely by himself? I guess if I had the answers to these questions I wouldn’t be writing this particular entry, would I?

According to one particular social network, I have almost 200 friends. I actually do know a vast majority of those people. Yet, even with all of those friends, I feel abandoned. But, this feeling is bigger than that. It’s not just about friends or family, I feel abandoned by society, by life, and even by progress. It’s not a good feeling. Maybe I should elaborate on that, but I just don’t know how to properly word it at this time.

I’ve noticed that it’s common for what I write not to make sense to some people. Sometimes when I read it back, it doesn’t make sense to me. But, it’s my hope that anyone that reads this and doesn’t fully understand what I’m talking about gains a slight better understanding of me and how my mind works. And the people that do understand this, well, we’re in this together. Or, then again, maybe we’re not. I guess that’s the theme of this one.

I know that people will read this. I also know that some people will reach out to me and say encouraging words. And I genuinely do appreciate that. Unfortunately, I don’t know how much it will change.

And that brings me to my next point. When I know that a friend of mine is going through a rough time, I will reach out. I will ask if they’re okay. I will check in somewhat regularly. I am very protective of people I care about. I want to make sure they know that someone is there. These are the people that need to know they’re not alone. They need to know they haven’t been abandoned. They need to know someone cares, even if it’s just a casual friend like me.

As you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering why I can help others and not myself. I wonder the same thing. That seems to be a common issue with people with depressive disorders. I recognize the pain others are going through because I go through it too. Not long ago a friend told me that she completely understood a particular issue I had because she felt it too. I told her that I was glad that she did, so we could talk about it, but I also wish she didn’t understand. That would mean she wouldn’t feel the same pain. That’s one of the few parts of this entry that actually makes sense to me.

When I was in grade school, I remember specific times when I got picked on. A few times I spoke up and told a teacher. Some of those times, instead of getting help from the teacher, I was accused of just wanting attention. Well, uh…yeah. I was trying to draw attention to a problem. I wasn’t the problem.

A particular guidance counselor told me to my face that I was lazy and not good enough to be in a particular class that I wanted to be in. I’ve already discussed the lazy thing. I think that’s open to interpretation at this point, but regardless, this was a guidance counselor. It’s someone of authority and someone of perceived power within the school that is supposed to help me in a time of need, not belittle me.

I am well aware that the issues I just discussed happened in the 1980s and they were “a long time ago.” But they’re still quite relevant. They helped contribute to my inability to ask for help. I know there’s many more episodes in my life that helped that along, and as always I feel like I’m just starting to scratch the surface of the real issues, but I’ve noticed that a lot of the “little things” from childhood really do add up. And if you think those incidents don’t contribute to feelings of abandonment, I disagree. I really do believe that emotional mole hills can become emotional mountains.

This entry isn’t nearly as fluid as I would like it to be, but as I’ve been working on it, a lot of things have popped into my mind and I’ve been distracted by some things. It’s the whole scratching the surface thing that I mentioned. Part of the reason this is skipping around so much is also that I know I’ll be writing another blog entry within the next week or so. Of course, by not saying so much here I’m definitely leaving this entry thinking it’s not good enough, but that’s par for the course. And so what, even if I’ve been abandoned by cohesive thoughts, the fact that I’m getting any of these thoughts out there is still a good thing.

Anyway, back to the point at hand, if there is one…
I remember a conversation with someone a while back in which it was said that I am dealing with the “hand that’s been dealt to me.” Well, maybe that’s true. And I am dealing with it. Part of dealing with it is writing something like this. Sometimes I feel it’s all I can do. And I’ll touch on that a little bit in my next entry. I want to close this on a somewhat positive note, and that’s while I feel abandoned by so much, the one thing I haven’t completely abandoned myself is hope.