They Control the Circuit. The Embodiment of What I’ve Done.

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What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of what’s to come? Am I afraid of what’s happening now? Am I afraid of what’s already happened? In order to attempt to figure out what I’m afraid of, do I need to know why I’m afraid of things? And how is it possible to be afraid of things from my past? Why am I afraid to type this entry? Why am I even more afraid to publish it? I would tell you that these questions keep me up at night, but I’ve been so tired lately that falling asleep usually isn’t an issue.

The future didn’t used to scare me as much as it does now. I’m getting old(er). I’m getting by in life. I’m surviving. I’m not thriving. I’m very much aware that I’m doing better than I’ve ever done before, but I haven’t been able to maximize anything to its fullest potential. Or is this the fullest potential? Questions like that may keep me up if I think about them.

The word “trigger” is used a lot to describe how someone responds to a situation. I’m often triggered by things that people say to me. Words that remind me of something that someone else said that wasn’t positive. I probably won’t tell the person that they’ve said something triggering. It could be because that I didn’t realize it as it was happening or maybe just because I don’t want them to feel bad about something they weren’t aware of.

Why can’t I tell someone if they’re upsetting me? What scares me there? Is it a fear? Is it just due to being told so frequently as a child that my feelings should be kept to myself? Is it due to me being told that my feelings were wrong when I actually did express myself?

Let me say something about that last sentence. I don’t know if feelings can be wrong. I’m all for “feeling what you need to feel when you need to feel it.” If you’re sad about something, be sad. Go through what you need to go through. It’s the only way to get better. And yet, I was told that I can’t do that.

In previous entries, I’ve talked about bullying and how much it impacted me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this in a previous entry, but I clearly remember being shoved into a doorway in 8th grade and my immediate reaction was to apologize to the kid that shoved me. I was so afraid of going to school at that time. Should something like that still be traumatic for me over 30 years later? I don’t know, but that specific memory is a strong one.

How does something that happened to me in 1989 or 1990 impact how or why I’m scared of things now? It’s all part of the wiring in my head, my social skills, my ability to connect.

Being programmed to believe that I’m wrong about most things in life has made it very difficult for me to move forward in a lot of aspects. I’m sure that whatever issues exist, they’re my own fault. I’m not able to do anything. Why? Not because I’m necessarily actually wrong, but because I’ve been taught to believe that I am.

I really do believe that my awareness of these things is good. I would like to believe that I’m making SOME progress. I know that I have a lot of work to do in order to reprogram my circuits. Am I doing enough? What more do I need to do? Am I going in the right direction? Am I too scared to do more? Am I too scared to really dig into this?

This entry is a trigger for me. I feel like I’ve gone a little deeper than I had expected to when I first started thinking about it a week or so ago. I’m nervous now. Am I wrong to feel this way? I’ve been told that I am.

A LOT of my recent entries have talked about how well I’ve been doing. And, regardless of everything that you’ve read here, I still think that I am doing well. Even if I’m scared of so much in life, the past, the present, the future, I still think I’m going forward. Even if it’s all so terrifying at times.

Et Cetera is My Worst Enemy.

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There’s various ways to look at this, but I feel like my life’s always in a re-build mode. You could say that it’s good that I’m re-building something or you could say that it’s bad that I’m not on steady ground. I really don’t know which way that I should look at it. I doubt that I’ll have the answer by the time that I’m done writing this entry, but maybe by putting my thoughts out there in the world, I’ll have some clarity.

I know, without any question, that I’m so much better off than I’ve ever been. That IS a good thing. But, with every single step of progress that I make in life, there seems to be at least two backwards steps. I had a significant change with my job over the summer. With that change came a pretty decent increase in my salary. And less than one month after that increase came the NEED to get a new car. I had planned to put money aside for things and eventually look at cars. But, I literally had no time to do any of it. While the new car is good and I really like it, it’s a financial burden that I wasn’t quite ready for. So, no progress made.

I could go on and on about fiances. I’ve never been ahead. I’m usually just afloat. Any time that I have anything that I can call “extra money,” something happens and it’s gone. As I’ve said in many of my entries, this is not a “woe is me” story, nor am I trying to portray myself as a victim of anything. My situation is very common amongst my generation. I’m aware of that. I know how well I have it compared to others, and how much worse it could be. But, the lack of progress there really does weigh on me.

Another area in which I made some progress over the past year was my weight. In mid October of last year, I started a weight loss program that I really enjoyed. There were some great lessons in it. And I saw immediate results. I came very close to hitting my weight loss goal, but then I didn’t. I’ll get back to this in just a minute.

There’s a fitness program that I use. Progress is measured there in 13 week and monthly increments. I enjoy using this app. I enjoy each month when the rankings reset. I enjoy when I start a new 13 week cycle. However, very often in the middle of one or the other, I lose focus and give up. I’ll tell myself, it’s okay, I can start again when the next month starts. Yeah, I know, the old “the diet starts on Monday” line. I use it very often.

My mind’s self-destruct mechanisms are sometimes triggered by the scenarios that I just mentioned. It’s not just that I realize that goals won’t be met, it’s that I’ll do things that are completely contrary to the overall goal. For example, I know that I should eat healthier snacks/meals. But, it’s the last week of the month and I know that I won’t hit my goal. That’s when I won’t resist the donuts or the potato chips. I’ll binge on foods that I know I shouldn’t. And the enjoying of eating them doesn’t last as long as the shame does.

Spend less and eat better. It’s simple, right? No. It’s not. And I can’t explain it.

In what seems to be in another lifetime, I worked for a large retail chain. I remember them telling us about “dashboard management” to meet our monthly goals. The dashboard analogy meant that in order to get where you want to get, you have to know where you are. They didn’t say anything about a “self destruct” button if goals aren’t met.

The person that runs the fitness app that I use often adds the word “yet” any time anyone says that they can’t do something. “You can’t do that… yet.” If I applied the “yet” instead of the “self destruct,” I could conceivably have better results.

So, what’s holding me back? Is it time? Is it money? Is it fear? Am I capable of meeting goals? Am I afraid to meet them? As I’ve said, no matter how much progress that it appears that I make, I seem to never get closer to the goal. Is the goal moving? What can I do to fix it? Can I fix it?

I’m sure some of you reading this think that the answers to these problems are very simple. They probably are. Can I achieve more if I do less? I don’t know. There’s more questions than answers. Eventually, I would like to know the solution. The only thing that I know for sure is that a new month starts tomorrow and I have to keep moving forward, even if I’m not getting very far.

Simple Needs, Perversities, You Serve the Shame.

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Very recently, I received a text from someone asking me if I enjoyed a particular Professional Wrestling show. That text confused me. When it was explained that my interests matter, it got me thinking about why that wasn’t normal to me. And thus, we have this blog entry.

Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, Professional Wrestling, loud music, and various other things were the interests that I had as a kid that I was told were stupid and not worth my time. I was made to feel less than for liking them. Some of the things that I liked were mocked by classmates of mine. Just about all of them were belittled by my parents. It does a lot of damage to someone’s self esteem when they’re often told that the things they like are not worth it. It’s even worse when it’s everywhere.

As someone that is “middle aged” now, all of the things that I listed at the start of this are still my interests. I’m thrilled that Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and other pop culture things that I liked when I was a kid are going strong today. And I’m even more thrilled that I’m now able to freely enjoy them without the ridicule that I used to endure.

It’s not that there aren’t people out there that will mock those things or the people that like them, but I’ve now found outlets to discuss them and enjoy them with other people. I know everyone has different experiences in the world of Social Media, but I’ve found it to be a valuable tool for me. I have forums to go to for almost all of my interests. And I find it to be very good for me.

I’ve grown up a bit (finally). That doesn’t mean that I need to stop liking the things that I liked when I was 40 years younger. To me, it means that I’ve finally realized that it’s okay to like whatever you like and do whatever you want to do, as long is it’s not harmful to yourself or anyone else. Yes, that last sentence goes beyond enjoying random sci-fi TV shows.

As a kid, I didn’t really have any choice in the people that I interacted with on a daily basis. I would get mocked at school. I would be criticized at home. I had no outlet. If I was mocked at school for liking something that I was also criticized at home for liking, it made me feel ashamed of the things that I liked. Nobody should be embarrassed for having an interest or a passion for a TV show or movie. But, that’s what was done to me.

Realizing that I now have choices as to who I associate with, it’s very freeing.

I’ll be completely honest. There’s a lot of genres of entertainment that I don’t understand. I have friends that like things that I’m not interested in. How does it benefit anyone if I insulted those things or mock those friends for liking them? It would probably make those friends not like me, or at the very least not want to talk about them with me. And knowing how I’ve felt when it’s been done to me, I wouldn’t want to do it to anyone else.

Unfortunately for me, as much as I’ve said that it’s good that I have the outlets to discuss things with people now, so much damage was done for so long that I find it odd when anyone encourages me to share my interests with them. I should not be taken aback when someone texts me to ask me if I enjoyed the wrestling show that I watched the previous night.

I feel that my interests play a huge part in my identity. They partly define me. The belittling in my younger days helped cause the low self esteem that plagued much of my life. I’ve been in a good mental place for a long time now. Being allowed to be me and realizing that the overall majority of people in my life accept, like, encourage, and even share my interests is a good thing.


Everyone needs to find their thing and not be ashamed. I no longer feel ashamed of who I am. I no longer feel embarrassed or scared to discuss the things that I enjoy. I’m finally at the point where I’m proud of all of it. It took me a long time, and I didn’t do it alone. And I think that’s really the point of all of this. Encouragement really does go a long way and is so much better than the alternative.

You Perceive Your Life and Goals Depressed.

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Over the past few days I’ve been given some thought to what I deserve and what I’ve earned. For most of my life, I’ve had a hard time believing that I deserve good things or that I deserve to be happy. As I’ve gotten older and (hopefully) wiser, I’ve wondered if this is nature or nurture, which is a topic that I’ve brought up a few times in my entries.

Whenever I think about me not deserving good things, one specific memory comes to me. For one of my birthdays, I don’t know which one exactly, but I don’t think I was a teenager yet, I was told that I would be getting a television. I remember the TV very clearly. It was tan with a black and white picture. It still had knobs and an antenna. But, the story isn’t that I was gifted a TV. The story is that I protested it. Not because I wanted something different, but because I didn’t deserve it. Or at least, that’s what I kept telling my parents. I don’t know what triggered my lack of worth there, but I remember being very adamant about not being worthy of such a gift.

A different example of a time when I felt a need to suffer was later in life. If I have the timeframe correct, I had just turned 30 and had recently received some bad news. I remember locking myself in my room all day, with the lights out, the air conditioner not turned on (in late July), and just watching some movies. But, this wasn’t for enjoyment. This was designed to make myself feel worse and to deepen my depression. I felt a sense of satisfaction for this one though, because I succeeded in making myself suffer more by not being comfortable all day.

Where does this come from? Why have I been like this? My parents definitely contributed. But, again, is it nature or nurture? One of them attempted treatment for mental health issues. The other wouldn’t acknowledge they exist. Their own issues would get projected upon me, but also the way they treated me would add to it. Is that nature? Is that nurture? I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth trying to figure out.

It wasn’t just my parents. I had a difficult time in school. While I was struggling with undiagnosed social anxieties and probably attention deficit issues, I would be mocked by classmates, put down by teachers, and punished by parents. In some ways, I was being punished just for being me.

I don’t know how in-depth that I want to get into some things here because I can already feel my anxiety rising just by what I’ve typed already. Yes, I know that it means that I’m touching on issues that I probably need to discuss more often, but I don’t know if now is the time.

Changing gears slightly, but keeping on topic, over the past few years, I’ve found new levels of comfort, enjoyment, and even some happiness. I say “some happiness” because I think “happy” is a like the platinum level of joy that I rarely attain. Although, then again maybe my programming doesn’t allow me to feel true happiness. See, I can’t get too far from the original topic in this entry.

As I attempt to keep on the positive note that I started in the last paragraph, I’m really grateful for a few people that have pointed out (some multiple times) how good that they think I have it, how the things I do are actually interesting, how I’ve lived a fun life, and how I’m doing good things. What I’ve realized about their observations about me is that the things that they’re talking about aren’t things that have happened recently, they’re things that have been happening for a while. In some cases, decades. But, I haven’t been able to fully enjoy them due to my inability to feel happiness and my need to suffer.

But here’s the thing, I’ve truly had some great moments over the past few years. I’ve often mentioned how “surreal” that certain aspects of my life are. I have such an appreciation for where I am now. I’m starting to believe that good things are actually good. I’m starting to believe that I’m allowed to have good things. Do I deserve this? I don’t know. Have I earned it? Maybe.

I’ve also noticed that the more and more that I do the things that I enjoy, the less that I doubt that I should be doing them. The less that I doubt, the more that I want to do. However, with all of that is still the voice in my head that reminds me that I “can’t” and that quitting is easier. I don’t hear that voice as much as I used to, but it’s still there.

Social media has been a great thing for me. From my days on AOL in the 1990s, to MySpace in the aughts, Facebook and others sites in 2010s and onward, they’ve helped me connect to people that have similar interests and needs. I’ve made legitimate lifelong friends from social media. And I think the point that I’m trying to make here is that by surrounding myself (even in a virtual world) with people who encourage me to be me instead of mocking me, putting me down, or insulting me for being me is what I needed all along. Who knows?

Maybe I should give less thought to where I’ve been and worry more about where I am now. Notice that I said “worry about where I am now” instead of focus. But regardless of how I worded that last sentence, I don’t want to not think about where I’ve been. Good, bad, or indifferent, where I’ve been got to me to where I am. And where I am is good. Or at least, it’s a lot better than it’s been before, and I want to stay here. I think I deserve it. Maybe, I’ve earned it.

Days of Future Past.

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I believe that in order to get somewhere new, you need to know where you’ve been. That’s why I try my best to learn as much about history as possible. It could be through reading books, listening to podcasts, or watching documentaries. I don’t just do it for entertainment purposes, I do it for knowledge. While I really do like reading about American presidents, the Founding Fathers, the history of comedy, and other topics, I also look at my own past for answers.

There is a difference between living in the past and learning from it. I’ve done both. I know them both very well. I’ve had situations in my past that I thought that I really enjoyed and did all that I could to get back to them. Whether it be concerts, events, or even people, I wanted that feeling of enjoyment again. But, sometimes, I’ve also learned that the situations from my past that I thought were good were really not. Hindsight is a good thing.

I’ve always thought that the answers to many of the future’s questions are in the past. Sometimes the future is easy to predict based on precedent. The key to everything is learning. You need to learn and understand the who, what, where, when, why, and how of history. I’m not talking about being able to predict a political scenario based on who won the election of 1844 (it was James K. Polk, by the way). I’m talking about being able to take things from you own past and be able to create a positive future for yourself. It’s not always an easy task. There’s effort required. There’s work required. There’s patience required. And most importantly, there needs to be the desire to do it.

As someone that deals with depression, it’s very easy for me to not notice good things. I’ve often found the bad in many situations. There’s almost a self-destruct mechanism in my brain that makes me need to leave before I really start to enjoy them. It’s taken me a very long time to overcome this. To be honest, I don’t think I have totally overcome it, but I’m just very much aware of it. That’s part of the learning. As of late, that self-destruct mechanism seems to be on-hold. My desire to implode the good isn’t there.

A good amount of my recent entries have mentioned how good things are for me. And that’s still true. In fact, they’re even better than they were when I wrote my last entry. There’s been more positive changes. I was forced to say goodbye to the car that I had for 23 years. Yes, that was a little bit emotional for me. Many miles were traveled in that vehicle. But, out of the ashes of that experience came a new car. My first ever NEW new car. Just the simple fact that I can afford it is one of the positive changes in my life.

Getting back to the past, another thing from my past recently popped up. I’ve embraced this situation (figuratively and literally). I’m enjoying the present and looking forward to the future there. I’m being intentionally vague here for reasons that make sense to me, and maybe a few others that read this.

I just said that I’m “looking forward to the future.” That isn’t something that I often do. Yes, I look forward to specific things that I know are happening (concert, sporting event, etc), but I don’t usually broadly look forward. And to (again) to return to the theme of this entry, not looking forward doesn’t necessarily looking backwards. There is definitely way too much forward momentum in my life right to live in the past, but I know that my past moves me forward. My future is because of my past. Some of my past is pretty dark. Because of all that I’ve learned from my past and things that I’ve experienced, the realization of the things that are important to me, and relationships that I’ve maintained, cultivated, and re-kindled that my future looks bright.

My Words Must Levitate and Reverberate Through the Void.

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As I always state in my late June entries, my birthday is in early July. Because of that, I really do see my calendar years as distinct halves. And I will always start to look back at what’s happened over the past six months and, in this year’s case, look at the 46 years of my life that I’ve completed.

By no means are things in my life perfect, but in many aspects, things are better than they’ve ever been. Thanks to some changes in my professional life, I’m in a much better position to make some long overdue changes that I’ve never been able to make before. I’m not quite there yet, but soon, I think I will be.

I’m healthier than I was before. Both mentally and physically. I’ve lost some weight and I’m taking care of my mental health. I’ve put in a lot of effort with myself. More than I have before. But, I still have A LOT of work to do and I need to put in more effort with more time committed to it. If I’m able to do half of what I hope to do, I’ll be so much better off.

For the longest time, I didn’t believe good things about me because I didn’t hear them from anyone. Then, I started to hear good things and I wasn’t capable of believing them. Now, I hear good things and I doubt them a lot less. That’s progress.

The voice in the back of my head that likes to tell me that things are going to fall apart doesn’t talk to me as much as it used to. Yeah, I still hear it from time to time. It likes to remind me of what I can’t do. There’s never a time when it tells me to keep going. It always tells me to quit and likes to convince me that I’ll be better off if I do that. I’m still working on ignoring that voice.

I have to do my best to stop comparing myself to how other people my age are doing. I’ll never feel good about myself if I do that. In many different categories, I would be considered very much below standard. But, if I solely compare myself now to where I’ve been, I’m doing so well. For a while I was saying “there’s never been a better time to be me.” I stopped saying that when a friend said “There’s always been a good time to be you, it’s just a matter of you realizing that.” The voice in the back of my head shouted at me at that point and told me “See, you can’t even praise yourself well.” I laughed all of that off.

A lot of the progress that I’m making in my life will be starting almost from the ground up. I’ve been at Rock Bottom. I’ve often said that it’s a good place to be, since it’s only upward from there. Being slightly above Rock Bottom, and having my head above water is a good place for me to start right now. I could throw in a few more cliches if I felt like it.

But, the point of what I’m saying is that things are going well.

I’m comfortable with where I am now. To be clear, I’m not complacent. I’ve reached a level of comfort that I like. I’m good with where my social life is. I’m good with where my bank account is headed. I’m good with me. That last sentence actually took a lot for me to type. I was hesitant to say it, but I think it’s accurate. For the first time in a very long time, I’m quite optimistic about my future.

It’s my hope that when I look back at this entry one year from now that I can say that I’m, at the very least, still doing as well as I was when I wrote it. I really am in a good place right now. The good is outweighing the bad. I haven’t always been able to say that. I know that I have a lot of work to do on various things over the next few weeks and months. If I’m able to get that stuff done, I think it’s very possible that this good ride that I’m on will keep on going for a while.

There’s Nothing Quite Like Time to Tell How it Is.

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I’ve never been that good with deadlines. That doesn’t just apply to my days in school, which I’ll expand on later. It also applies to work, this blog, and life in general. I do things at my own pace. I do things on my own time. I going to get things done, but they may not necessarily be done with a “normal” timeline.

At my age, I should be further along. I should have accomplished more. I should more to show for all that I’ve done. Right? By what standard? By whose standard? Why is there a standard? Things are turning around for me now in ways that they never have before. If things go as they’re expected/planned to go over the next few weeks, some really good news related to my job will be coming my way. Does it matter that it’s happening now and not five, or ten, or fifteen years ago?

When I was in high school, one of my teachers realized that the work that I was turning in was pretty good. It just wasn’t turned in on time. She pulled me aside after class one day and told that she would not take off that many points on my assignments if the quality of my work stayed as good. But, she also asked me not to abuse the privilege that was being given to me. I’ve always appreciated that gesture. It showed confidence in me and it was one of the first times that anyone ever allowed me the luxury of doing things at my own pace, without (much of) a penalty.

I’m aware that deadlines exist in the business world and they do need to be met. And I do meet deadlines for my job now. I’ve had various jobs over the years and it took me a while to realize the reasons for some of the deadlines, but I did realize them and it stuck with me. But, again, it took me a while to get there.

I’m not advocating for laziness in this entry. While some of my high school teachers did actually refer to me as lazy, the one that I talked about earlier realized something about managing people and expectations. Not everyone in a classroom learns at the same pace. They don’t learn the same way. No two people are alike. Standardized ways of doing things don’t always work. Individual people sometimes need individual guidance.

I know what I just said doesn’t always translate into success in corporate, retail, or some other professional situations. But, it’s a reality of society that needs to be focused on more often. Someone like me that is “far behind” where other people my age are, may only be behind based on standard ways of thinking that you were taught. I’ve done the best that I can with the situations that I’ve been handed. I’ve done the best that I can in the scenarios that life has given me. I’ve done the best that I can.

Now, many years after where others at my age can say that they’ve achieved a level success (again, that’s all relative), I’m likely to get there myself. It’s been a long process and I’m so incredibly optimistic about things for myself right now. It’s a weird feeling, but it’s a good one.

I am being intentionally vague about some things in this entry for various reasons. One of which is simply because my late June entry usually deals with my upcoming birthday and I always like to compare where I am against where I was in that entry. I feel that if I say too much today, I may take away from what I’ll have to say in the next one.

Another reason that I’m not really saying much in this entry is that it’s the last day of the month and I hadn’t really put too much thought into what I was going to write, other than the vague idea of deadlines. And since I’ve committed myself to publishing (at least) one entry per month, I’ve again, barely hit a deadline. I don’t know if this entry would qualify as the good work that my high school English teacher recognized that I capable of doing, but at least this one is on time.

Leaving All This to Be Undone.

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People not having faith in me, and a result me not having faith in myself has been a recurring theme in my life. When you’re constantly told that you can’t achieve something, it’s very difficult to achieve anything except the low expectations set for you. And when you’ve been convinced by friends, co-workers, teachers, parents, and others that you’re not going to succeed, it’s very difficult to prove them wrong.

I’ve had that scenario for so much of my life. But, lately something has changed. I don’t know where it started, but people have been encouraging me. They’ve told me that I’m worth something. They’ve told me that I deserve good things. They’ve told me that I CAN achieve more. And more importantly than people telling me that is that I’m starting to believe it.

Even though I’ve been writing about the changes in my life lately and how good things are going, it’s still so new me that I don’t know how to process it. It’s weird. I know things are different. They feel different. I feel different. Things are good. I don’t know if it’s the standard doubts that I always have, but there’s something there that’s saying “this isn’t right.”

The voice in my head saying “this isn’t right” is probably just confused since my normal has always been set to “meh.” And that “meh” is a large grouping of things: Expectations, mood, results, etc.

The best way for me to try to understand all of this right now is to go back to thinking about how surreal some aspects of my life have been over the past. Someone once told me that some of the things that I’ve said are surreal will stop being surreal and will just be very normal. I don’t know if I want that to happen. I like them being surreal to me because I think it helps magnify my appreciation for them. And right now, I’m using that same way of thinking/feeling to process the change

Over the next few months, a few more really good things may be happening for me. I say “may be” because final say in how good things get for me is out of my control. I can do what I need to for it, and I’m in the process of doing that. But, it’s not up to me what happens after that. And before you ask if I could be more vague, yes, I could be.

What I’m about to say is not my usual bit of doubt/self destruction, it’s me (thinking that I’m) being accurate about things. I need to find more motivation for other things. As much as I’m enjoying all of my progress, there’s more that I need to do. And that means that I need to curtail my willingness to quit and give in. It also means that I may need to force myself to get out of bed earlier. And I do mean “force myself.” It seems that no matter how much sleep I get, I cannot wake up and start my day without effort.

As I’m also searching for balance in my life, I sometimes wonder if my inability to achieve the things that I used to be able to achieve is now the balance for being to achieve other things. I’m also doing my best not to think about that too much, because if I do, I may immediately start that downhill path that my mind can so easily go on. The balancing act of my brain is pretty much a tight rope over a canyon.

And while I am getting the praise from some places, I’m not getting it from others. I don’t seek praise. I want it to be voluntary. I don’t like bragging about my accomplishments. But, then again, it’s probably because I’ve been conditioned not to believe that anyone would care. As you can see, there’s a lot going on inside and the scales of balance easily tilt towards the doubt and negative thoughts.

I’ve stopped myself a few times in this entry to regroup my thoughts to stay as upbeat as possible. I’ve also stopped myself because my attention span sucks and there were shiny things to look at elsewhere. But, anyway…
I do want to keep this from going to the darker thoughts, so I’ll end the entry now and say that I am genuinely optimistic about what should be happening soon. I’m finally on my way to better things.*

* = I really wanted to add some sarcastic thing there to imply doubt. But would it really be sarcastic? See! This is what I’ve been talking about…

Hold the Whole World in Our Hand and Greet the Dawn With Open Arms.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

For so long, I’ve floundered. For so long, I’ve been sure that I won’t succeed. For so long, I’ve been sure that I can’t succeed. For so long, I wasn’t encouraged. For so long, I was put down. For song, I believed them.

It appears to be a different time, and I still believe them. But, the difference is, they’re telling me that I can. They’re telling me that I’m doing well. They’re telling me that I’m worth it.

And the difference is astronomical.

I’ve lived in a “World of Can’t” for so long. I was told about all of the things that I can’t do. I can’t do this, I can’t do that. I can’t apply for this, I can’t apply for that. I can’t achieve this, I can’t achieve that. It didn’t matter if that the thing that I was asking for was permission to do something or if I was asking if I was capable of achieving something. Constantly being told that I can’t made me sure that I can’t, and won’t.

Over the past few months, there’s been a change. Negative forces, while still present, aren’t the loudest voices in my head (even if they’re quite loud). The voices that encourage me to do more, the voices that praise me, the voices that offer me help and guidance, are the ones that I hear the loudest.

The change in my demeanor is very noticeable. I’m energetic (after coffee). I’m not as cynical as I was about myself. I don’t see myself as having the dead end life that I was programmed to believe that I was going to have. That dead end may be opening up. A conditional use variance was granted to it and I may be able to get around it. I may actually be on the path to success.

That last sentence would have been a great way to end this entry, but I want to keep going with these thoughts and get a little deeper into this.

I don’t know if my lack of esteem is a nature or nurture thing. It’s probably a combination of both, so let’s go with that. If, by nature, I was predetermined to half a lack of esteem and confidence, the lack of encouragement that I received from friends, family, teachers, employers, and other authority figures in my life just further nurtured my sense of blah. This is why it’s taken me so long to not be 100% sure that any and all good things that happen to me will be shortly followed by something horrible. That type of thought is so ingrained in my head that if/when something bad happens to me, even if I continue to ride this high that I’ve been on for a while, part of my brain will still have the “it was bound to happen” thought to attempt to deal with it.

If things play out for me as I think they’re going to over the next few months, I’ll be in a better position to do things than I’ve been in before. I am fully aware that a lot of me getting to this point is due to a lot of effort on my part, but I didn’t do it alone. There’s been a lot of people, circumstances, and situations that have played a part in this. From friends and co-workers encouraging me, from me asking for help with various topics ranging from weight loss, physical pain, and mental health concerns, and job related things. All of it’s coming together. I needed the strength to get to where I am right now, but I don’t think I would have done it if certain people didn’t tell me that I could.

I’m going to fall along the way. I’ve done it recently. But, I wasn’t belittled, insulted, discouraged, or reprimanded. I was encouraged. I was basically told “it happens, you’re doing so well. Keep going.” Hearing those words is amazing for me. I’m not used to it. It’s genuinely nice to hear. It’s even nicer since I believe them. I’m in a good place. That place is likely to be better soon. It’s a feeling that I’m not used to. I’m also not used to not being concerned about it. It’s been a long road. I’m finally arriving.

I Have Waited a Long Time and Dragged Myself a Long Way.

Posted by MaskedSanity on

In last month’s entry, I discussed the self-destruct mechanism in my head. It’s usually pretty prevalent. It often pops up when things are going well. It also often shows up when things are going poorly. It’s easy for me to not finish something and feel a moment of relief, since going through with whatever I had stopped doing would cause anxiety. However, all of those unfinished things create different anxieties for me, often leading me directly into a depressive spell when they pile up.

It’s also very easy for me to be in the self-destruct/give up mode when I don’t see a scenario getting any better. And when I’m in that mindset, my desire to do things is severely diminished. When my desire to do things is diminished, I’ll leave so much unfinished that I get more anxious and go further down the depression slide.

It’s sometimes difficult to snap out of that mood. It’s even more difficult to sustain a good mood when I’ve recently been that far down. None of this is new to me. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember, even though nobody, not even myself, saw the patterns.

Over the past few years, I’ve seen some improvements. I’ve developed some habits that (I believe) are healthy for me. I’ve made a lot of steps in a positive direction.

And yet, even as I hear from people about the positive things in my life, I’ve had a hard time believing them. I’ve been down for so long that it’s never been possible to be too optimistic about things to come.

However, recently, things have started to change.

In many of the recent posts when I’ve talked about how good things are going, there was always a black cloud over my head. It’s dissipated a bit. There’s some rays of sunshine there now, but hopefully not too much since I burn so easily in sunlight, but I digress.

The biggest source of stress and anxiety in my life has usually been my finances, or lack of. That’s been less of a burden over the past few years, but there’s often been the fear that something will happen that will to cause me to NEED to spend a lot of money. And while that fear is still there, there’s also now a sense of relief since there’s things in the works for me with my job that should see my situation improve.

The potential of the financial improvements have really helped me clear out some other worries and help keep me on a mostly positive path lately. Money isn’t the only thing that’s been good for me though.

Late last year I decided that I just needed to be healthier. Not just physically or financially, but mentally too. I’ve taken steps to improve all of those needs. I can also say that I’ve made progress. From the middle of October until now, I’ve lost 20 pounds. I’m sort of stuck at my current weight, but since I’ve also started regularly exercising again, I expect that I can make more progress there. I’ve also signed up for two 5k races that will be happening in a few months, so I have time to prepare for them. I’ve enjoyed my workouts, my weight loss, and the progress. But, there’s more than that.

The enjoyment isn’t just due to finishing something, it’s also from starting it. Over the past few years, my desire to workout wasn’t there. I don’t know if it was to not having anything to strive for, a lack of interest, or just being in depression that I didn’t even realize that I was in, but I’m not there now. I enjoy the effort that I’m putting into it.

I also recently removed some unnecessary items from my life and by doing so, I felt another sense of accomplishment. And this one was so very simple. I had a desktop computer that had barely functioned for a while. Even after I bought a nice new laptop for myself, I kept using the desktop for some stuff, regardless of how annoying and frustrating that old machine became. The desk in my room had its space taken up by the monitor, keyboard, and other related items. I didn’t use the desk for anything. By removing the computer and being able to utilize the space on the desk, I felt accomplished. Yes, something that simple made such a difference for me.

In addition to the minor changes that I just described, I’ve replaced other items throughout the house. And the small changes make things seem more practical for me. Simple things can make a big difference.

Another source of non-stressful energy is the phone call that I received from my doctor a week or so ago. I just had my annual physical and any items that were a concern last year were not a concern this year. It made me see that all of the efforts to be healthier have paid off.

I’ve been sleeping somewhat better recently. Although, I still often wake up in the middle of the night. The time that I wake up is pretty consistent and would be very convenient if I still worked early morning retail hours, but I don’t, so it isn’t. However, whether I wake up early or not, the most difficult thing that I do every day seems to be getting out of bed. I’ve been forcing myself to get up at sometime between my first alarm and when I NEED TO. I’ve been getting some stuff done in the morning too, and even if I’m a little bit tired during the day, I have the sense of accomplishment that I hadn’t had for a while.

I like that feeling of accomplishment. It’s so much better than the literal and figurative piles of things that I’ve put off. The weight of my burdens has been lessened and I feel inspired to keep going.

There’s more potential good things for me soon. And the combination of progress, effort, hope, and the ability to put those things together has me not just thinking that things are going in a good direction, but I’m actually believing that things are going in a good direction. There’s a difference between thinking something and believing something. Right now, at this very moment, and for the first time in a very long time, I believe that good things are happening. It’s a nice feeling.

And I’m not going to end this entry doubting myself…

No, that doesn’t count as doubt.